Two Pink Flamingos and a Doubly-wide...

2007-12-23T03:43:00.000-06:00

Please note that the Trailer Park will be closed for remodel the remainder of 2007.

We will see yall back in 2008 during the Grand Reopening!

Happy holidays yall....... DING DANG!

Congratulations Roaches!

2007-11-28T23:54:00.000-06:00

My Sister decided to get married in Vegas for her Birthday folks..

Mind the classy security cameras flanking the altar!

2007-10-29T02:45:00.000-05:00

period.

2007-08-28T10:08:00.000-05:00

Amy Winehouse is a train about to go off the rails.

I love every minute of her.

Somehow all of the shit that she pulls is almost too much to be believed and I often wonder if it is publicity or just Amy in solid form. Sure she's a crackhead, cutter and co-dependant drunk but the girl has got soul. She is on the Janis Joplin fast track out but hopefully she can turn herself around at some point.

Amy, keep keeping it real because I love that about you.

Besides, who else would have the balls to use the day off from rehab to go bar hopping??

heh.

2007-08-28T09:36:00.000-05:00

Good Lord, you park fans get restless...
Truth is I haven't had much of anything to say, no park mail to answer lately and I have been in silent competition with someone else who refuses to update their blog as well. So on the note of having nothing to say, please allow me to ramble and maybe we will come up with something.

My Dish is one insane crazy bastard folks. It keeps changing channels at will and for some unknown reason, feels compelled to tune into the Hawaiian Sirus channel every morning at 9am. Disturbing.

Big Love has wrapped up for the season and I am sad.
- God only knows what I'd do without them..

We have a dead-end street here at the trailer park with no sign of indication. Oh how I love watching cars fly down this street at high rates of speed only to slam on the brakes before winding up in the tree. That is entertainment, ain't it?

Daddy blew up my weed eater. It seems the good folks of Arlington are on him again and I loaned it out in an effort to keep him out of jail.. Apparently the cheap models do not do well clearing around various implements of destruction and it begin smoking rather violently. I'm some how sure it's still sitting in the middle of the road right where Daddy threw it.

And now back to our regularly scheduled Hawaiian programming..

2007-06-23T23:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Vice President Bush,

Greetings from the trailer park! I'm writing this here letter as a big howdy do to yall and yours during g*y pride month. (Wanted to censor that there as not to expose the lil lady to a heart flutter.) Actually, I've been wanting to write you a letter for a very long time and with you claiming to be from Texas and all, maybe one day you might just stop by the park.

I have a few open complaints that I wish to air and kindly pardon me if I seem frank.
(Get it Dubby, pardon? heh..)

1) Health care sucks in this country and ain't a damn thing happenin. Now I do understand money being tight Dubby, truly I do. Ciggarettes went up another $1 a pack here and that's stretching me, myself. You're a big spender there with Iraq and I get that. But surely you can find a few dimes in the Oval Office couches to work something out. I hear that President Chaney has mighty deep pockets and two Mr. Potato Heads are better than one!

2) Iraq. Sure you're more qualified to run this thing than I am (cough), but what the hell are we doing? One of our favorite sayins here at the park is "shit or get off the pot". Granted the USA is in A LOT of shit, but I think the phrase goes more along the lines of taking action in a forward direction. Am I military? No. Do I have any war or command experience? No. Have I ever volunteered to die for my country? No. But I watch the news and see the names as they roll on the screen. I watch families on Frontline as worlds are shattered. And contrary to what you may think, the American people are still your boss. Don't be writing checks that your body can't cash.
'Bring them home Dubby. Not in the name of defeat or hastily in two day's time.
Just bring them home soon. It's seriously not working out.

- Now just let me clarify here. See, I can be pissed at you while being forever in debt to our troops. Every drop of blood that YOU spill is done so that I may sleep in freedom each night.
THANK YOU to our troops for your dedication, commitment and sacrifices.

3) What the holy happola is happening to gas prices? I reckon that you're not concerned being that you roll around in that super tank of a caddy. It must be nice to jump in the car for a drive anytime in DC or Crawford and not have to scrounge for a few gallons of gas.

I know you're a busy guy and all flying everywhere with all that gas money but please feel free to give us a ringy-dingy anytime here at the park. Our fondest howdy do's to the little lady and offspring. Oh, and congrats on the new Chaney bundle of joy. I for one have thoroughly enjoyed seeing that Republican nightmare swept under the rug. Go team!

Happy GAY PRIDE month to you and yours!

(Un)Sincerely,
Two Pink Flamingos and a Trailer Park.

2007-06-23T00:48:00.001-05:00

I love the summer time folks.
The sun shine.. meat sizzlin on the grill.. snow cones..
I love snow cones. Vanilla with extra creme.

So I was en route to the cones when I ran across Delilah on the radio. Have you folks heard this Broad, Delilah's show? It goes something like this..
-Are you feeling sad tonight?
-Has your father been struck in the head with a meat cleaver?
-Or maybe that someone special in your life walked out and left you with nothing but a wooden spoon and a pair of crotchless Levis..

But, back to the snow cone trip.. Deliliah was on the air begging for sob stories when the jackpot dialed in. The woman couldn't have children of her own and was hooked up as a foster mom. On goes the whining about having kids and no more time for herself or hubby etc, etc. Delilah then announced that she would play a special song for the kids. I then roll my eyes as we launch into the most uplifting, choir sing-a-long rendition of the Itsy Bitsy Spider folks. I felt like I was in Sunday School all over again. A full choir of children backing up (of all people) Carly Simon. Click the link below and forward about two minutes for full chorus effect. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awt0tMTsUq4
That spider was so vain. Probably thought that song was about him.

Hell's Kitchen is back and I love me some Chef Ramsey! Did you see chickie dig cooked spaghetti out of the garbage and try to serve it up? And the other one was trying to hock rotten crab. Somebody said something about one of them licking the tongs but I missed that one.
I'm rooting for the for Waffle House girl all the way.

If only Mama Cass had given the ham sandwich to Karen Carpenter, they would both be alive today!

2007-05-15T22:19:00.000-05:00

The Faggots will miss you Jerry!

Dont Squeeze the Charmin, You Bastard!!

2007-05-03T02:53:00.000-05:00

Oh. My. God.

Please allow me to explain the past week of my life folks.

Tuesday before last, that being the last Tuesday before, I finally got my driver's license in the mail and at last got my long awaited tattoo. Go Sox. Yankees Suck.

Purdy, aint it folks? Gam is less than impressed but she has never quite been a body art fan to begin with. Anyhoo.. Moving on.

Wednesday night and 24 hours later, I wound up in the ER only to be admitted into Thursday. Same shit different day, I like to keep them on their toes. Oh btw, my mom was on a cruise and I didn't want to ruin her return by telling her I was in the hospital. Watch this be the one time she actually reads this... Sorry Mom, love ya. So I spent a couple of days in a Podunk hospital with three channels of tv and a fresh tattoo. People kept dying all around me too. Code Blue is exciting but it gets old on the third or fourth round.

Friday I was a free woman and dammit I got some real food. Talking prime rib here folks.. med rare, horseradish, au jus and some fried mushrooms. God Bless America.

Did some shopping and other random shit over the weekend.

Then came Monday morning.

Monday was bad.. very bad folks. Bad pukey, shittayyy and good God, I just want to die bad. There is some curse of hell going around the great state of Texas that is incapacitating people by the dozens here folks and it looks like my lucky number came up. 12 hours of this went by and Bing managed to get a piece of the action. I'll save you the details.
Monday turned into Tuesday, Tuesday into Wednesday and I have no idea what day it is now. Two Sickies have turned into three with a possible fourth in tow. Mayday! Mayday!

7-up is my friend.

Mom, glad you had a wonderful time in KEY freakin' WEST!

Christ on a bike.

Foaming at the Mouth

2007-04-02T05:59:00.000-05:00

I'm not into beauty folks. Never have been and probably never will be. I leave the pretty primping, shaping and waxing for my little sister who fell off an entirely different tree. Do you realize it takes her two hours to get ready for work? She is the Mary Kay incarnate and I just dont get it.. But you see I do have a point somewhere and we have now arrived.

Anyone who knows me will tell you 1) I chain smoke. 2) I drink obscene amounts of ice tea 3) I drink more coffee than the average idiot and 4) I dont give a damn. So in light of my teeth bordering on truck-driver yellow, I purchased a teeth whitening kit. And to clarify, this is not a beauty thing. This is a hurry up and do something before the Gam comes a running with a hokey remedy thing.. mmmkayyyy?? I tried the Creststrips once but they were a negative. Being that I am fiercely devoted to Rembrandt toothpaste, I settled for the Plus White 5 Minute system, $10. Not too much to lose if it doesnt work, right? I hole myself up in the bathroom and begin to read the box.. Swish pre-rinse. check. Rinse tray. check. Coat upper and lower parts of tray for even results. check. Bite down softly on tray for 15 minutes for trucker teeth. check.

I come back to my keyboard and oh good, gums are tingling. It's working. Now a little foaming action and I feel like a QVC pitch in progress.. type type typing away. Three minutes goes by and it's getting harder to shut my mouth, lots of peroxide here folks.. By minute eight I have grown concerned that my mouth has become a roaring rapids amusement ride and I am choking back the urge to swallow said rapids.. A full ten minutes goes by, I can no longer feel my cheeks and white foam is gushing down my chin. My God, this shit is alive!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didnt make the 15 minute mark folks. My six year old mentality got the best of me and I was forced to smash my bloated cheeks into the sink, blowing foam everywhere.. heh. (Yes Mom, I did clean it up and yes Mom, I did use the scrubbing bubbles!)
Beauty is high maintenance and I dont know if I can handle this twice a day for two weeks......................?

Moving on, everybody say hayyyyyyyyy to MOM and GAM! They had birthdays last week and we got them some really cool crap but cant say here because they havent gotten it yet. Confucius say: Let lil Sis give gift first then wait week because everyone always like last gift better...

I had Long John Silver's for breakfast today while Sis was running a 26 mile marathon. Heh. Go me. My new theory is that I dont want to die old. Sure I'm young and people say things like that when they are young but I cant imagine 40 years worse from now. Negative. There better be a runaway city bus or something in my future. Speed was a cool movie and if Sandra Bullock shows up then by God, I am dying happy.

Oh, we have a cultural lesson from Gam for all you Hummus lovin' Homos out there.
- The proper Greekenese pronunciation is.. Homos.
.. Just some trivia for your next little get together.. Homo on a cracker anyone??

It seems that there may be light at the end of this peanut butter recall tunnel. We scored a jar of Jif at the Walmarts after 3 months of searching in vain. I have intended to blog the massive peanut butter disappearance but now it just doesnt seem relevant since we found some. Tragical.

- I love it when people say Walmarts or Kmarts.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You watch porn just to check out the tattoos.

I'm still breathing!

2007-03-17T23:24:00.000-05:00

Hello Park Fans.. First off, thank you for all of your emails recently. I know that it has been a while since I have posted but I am still online and you can email anytime.

I have two additional pinched nerves and laying down is about all that alleviates the pain.

I'll spare the saga only to say another surgery isn't going to be an option for a while.

So stick with me park fans.. I will be back when I can.

Random Thoughts and Observations

2007-02-23T03:31:00.000-06:00

For those who missed tonight's Grey's Anatomy.. As suspected, Meredeth did not die and McDreamy is not a McWidower.
I have been McJilted, feel McSad and am McFucked.

But back to the show this week. I had my suspicions that Meredeth and all her (per Christina) mcCrap would pull through but I didn't for see McCrazy Momma Grey's departure. Man, what the Chief must be feeling right now, eh? But Meredeth and Momma made up in the end before Momma went off to the big Surgical team in the sky.. 1. 2. 3. Ahhhh.. Now one thing you should know is that I am a Bailey fan. Yup, I LOVE the Nazi, with her vajay-jay and all. But tonight's Mcbest moment goes to Christina. She can be heartless and cruel but damn the woman knows how to cope! That 99 cent store raid was beautimus and to peddle her treasures while chugging beer? Ha, that is therapy folks.

Moving on.. Funny you should ask what I have been up to! The same thing I was doing last week - sitting on my ass. Yes know it's not terribly exciting but at least I am consistent.. My Spawnie Man turned the big 4 last week folks! And let me tell you that little man can wash dishes like no body's business.

And now a shoutout to my great-aunt Ima Jean. You know how when you're a kid and the older folks are .. well, old? Like as far back as you can remember that person has been older than the hills? Well that was my Ima Jean. All that I really knew about her was they had a farm, she loved cows and Uncle Buddy was a seriously hilarious dumpster diver who peddled outdated Oreos. Where am I going on this might you ask? Well Aunt Ima Jean checked out this past week and I am bummed. I was reading her obituary and the old eccentric woman that I knew had way more under her belt. First, the picture blew me away. It was one of those back in the heyday shots, much younger and.. well, not old! Then turns out she was married to Buddy for 56 years. That must be a story in its self kids. 56 years is a damn long time. And she was a VP for some steel company until she retired.. So now I am bummed that I didn't spend more time to get to know her. And I'm sorry that we never did make it to dinner for Chinese food. Sometimes all the time in the world isn't enough and that sucks my ass. It's a bitter-sweet feeling really.
Ima Jean, I will miss you but I'm glad that you and Buddy are back together.
... and please tell my grandma that I love her.

I reckon I should wind this up four hours later. I'm in a funky mood.

I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset
Hear it's nice in the summer
You don't know me and you don't even care
In Boston no one knows my name
- Augustana

Zoo's Laundry Day....

2007-02-23T00:18:00.000-06:00

2007-02-18T17:08:00.000-06:00

Don't you hate it when your friends are hooked on a TV show that you know nothing about and could really care less? Well you may want to skip this trip to the trailer park folks because this all ALL about Grey's Anatomy! Probability states that Jeannine is the only one still reading and I'm talkin our show woman! Could my TV boyfriend be now single?? Is Dr. McDreamy destined to be Dr. McTrailer Park?? I mean Meredeth saw Denny and everything! You would think he could have given Meredith a card for Izzie or something just in case she makes it but anyway.. Yeah I know, Meredeth isn't really going to die because what's Grey's Anatomy without the Grey?

But.. Dr. McTrailer Park does have a nice ring...

Sunday's Random Meme

2007-02-04T19:44:00.000-06:00

1. Someday I want to skydive.

2. I hate it when my neighbor breathes.

3. Last nite I dreamt .. I have no freakin idea!

4. My greatest fear is tomatos.

5. I'm most proud of the fact that yall keep readin!

Ok, I confess that I am writing this during a superbowl commercial break and that this will be quick. I quit my job folks. Long story but me and the Mafia didnt work out. I loved my job but it was time to pack up. I'm sad.

Not much else to report really. I hope that yall are doing well and that someone is still reading this thing...? Anyhoo, game on.. GO COLTS!

2007-01-22T21:24:00.000-06:00

I am a little late but we surely are wishing a Happy New Year to every one of our park fans! We have done some redecoratin and put a catchy new tune on for your listening pleasure. .. It is catchy, aint it? heh.

2006 was a pretty crazy ride and I am glad to see 2007 going a little smoother. So far so good at least. My goal this year is to stay more motivated and in touch with the 'park fans. So keep an eye out for more Trailer Park Q&A, contests and weekly rants once again.

Happy 2007 my Trailer Park fans!

You might live in a trailer park if:
The tail-light covers of your car are made with tape.

A Haiku for Zippy

2006-12-29T21:30:00.000-06:00

zoo zoo handsome boy
crazy bastard sometimes too
sleeps on my chest sweet

Happy Holidays from the Trailer Park!

2006-12-21T21:37:00.000-06:00

Please pardon my absence as things have been hectic here at the 'park.

We surely do wish yall a very merry Christmas, happy Channukah, rockin Kwannza or whatever you've decided to do this year.
We'll see you park fans in the new year
And dont forget to eat your black-eyed peas!!

You might live in a trailer park if:
.. Well hell, look at the picture folks!

2006-11-14T00:35:00.000-06:00

Well Holy Shit (no pun intended), I have found my xmas wish!
http://www.prankplace.com/jesus.htm

Perhaps that is what I need in my life. Some deeeevine intervention!

Not much new and exciting around the trailer park. Well we do have a new addition to the Animal Kingdom which makes seven total now. My Mom swears that we are going to be like those weirdos on the Discovery Channel who move into the backyard and let the 35 animals take over the house..

You might live in a trailer park if:
You wish for a Magic Jesus 8ball!

2006-10-13T22:19:00.000-05:00

Good·will: An attitude of kindness or friendliness; benevolence.
Good·will Shoppers: Inconsiderate assholes who should be forcibly medicated.

You know I didn't really start shopping in stores until a couple of years ago. Seriously, I used to do all of my grocery shopping at the neighborhood gas station because a $4 loaf of bread was worth my sanity.
I hate stores, I hate crowds and I hate ignorant people. Period.

This morning we stopped at the local Goodwill megastore to pick up some books and stumbled upon a loveseat recliner for $65. It was a little beat up but comfy and the price was right folks. The cashier informed me that they were having a "Midnight Madness" sale with everything marked 50% off at 8pm. My ghetto loveseat bargain had just become a $32 necessity! So we went home and waited for the madness blowout to begin..

7:30pm and Scoob and I headed out for the kill.. This shit was unbelievable folks. There were people lined up at the door. I'm talking the parking lot was full, Suburbans dumping 15 at a time and the turn lane looked like a funeral procession. It is a freakin' Goodwill people, not JC Penney the day after Thanksgiving.
Scoob and I found our place close to the door and were ready to roll our plan.
Scoob to the register and me to the couch, win/win right?

7:55pm the line was stretched the entire length of the parking lot and the troops were getting restless. In front of me there was an elderly woman, 90ish hunched over with a walker politely waiting her turn. 8pm and ONE door opens with a mad rush of Goodwill idiots trying to pile in. This BROAD begins to push into Granny literally shoving her out of the way!! Granny finally made it thru the door and I hauled back to furniture. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My ghetto recliner had been stolen by that granny knockin BROAD!!

I had lost the recliner I had been obsessing about all day and I was angry.
Why is it because my momma raised me with manners that I always get the shaft?

DEAR BROAD: Why is it that you can push and shove your way while endangering other people to get what you want? I hope your new treasure is flea infested and that you get crotch rot off the damn thing lady. Jesus hates a shover!!!

I wonder if the gas station sells recliners?....

You might live in a trailer park if:
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

2006-10-07T02:29:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since I've posted dear park fans. The world is blowing my mind right now. Just when I get nice and pissed to blog then something else happens! What the HELL is going on with the human race lately???

A point has been proven this week. The Amish shun our world. Why? Because the rest of us are crazy as shit folks. This thing still leaves my jaw hanging. We "modern" folks shoot, stab and kill each other every day but why the hell go off on the Amish???.. The Amish faith astounds me. Funds have been set up for the remaining girls hospitalized and you know what the Amish community said? No money unless a fund was set up for nutty's wife and kids too.
Serious freakin' reality check for us modern day peeps.
Think about that for a minute.

Normally I do love to see a good Republican fall from grace but this Foley thing is on overkill. He had a lil sum'n sum'n with an underage minor and got busted. Is it really a surprise? This sort of thing has been going on for hundreds of years AND what better cover than to be the one writing anti-perv laws? But here is what makes me angry. He gets busted and resigns. What next? Runs off to rehab because he's an alkie. Day two comes the fact that he was molested as a child. Day three and oh my God, he is gay.. And for the record, I don't intend to make light of molestation or being a closet case folks. My point is the timing. One excuse after another within hours of each other. I for one don't care what revelation will come next week.
..You screwed up dude. Suck it up and get off my TV.

Spinach.
See what happens the one damn time I try to eat healthy??

Gas is $2.03 a gallon folks. Somethin is going to break loose soon...

You might live in a trailer park if:
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

2006-09-21T19:00:00.000-05:00

There are some mighty bizarre sights around the trailer 'hood at times. I struck gold last week but didn't have the camera along and was totally bummed. It was the sign at the local Walgreens. "1 Ltr Cock 99 cents". Tragical

I have now started packing the camera to capture the moments..

The Jesus Bus.
The rollin' gospel can be found parked up and down the highway while broadcasting the love of the Lord. I have never actually seen anyone driving it around but it is usually parked in a yard two streets over from the trailer park.

This is gem, aint it?
I guess the shower was clogged.. heh heh

It's the place to be
You too can now spend eternity with the Green Acres clan!

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

2006-09-14T02:13:00.000-05:00

Gov. Ann Richards
1933-2006

People often ask me what it is about Texas that is so intriguing and I can never answer this question entirely. We like our trucks and we talk with a twang. We also have a reputation of being passionate and opinionated on just about everything and also boast a most assorted cast of characters. We lost a helluva political character last week, Gov. Ann Richards.. People around these parts either loved her or hated her but she left her mark with her wit and humor. They called her "silver haired and silver tongued" with her big hair and bigger opinions. A classic old school, loud mouthed Texan "broad" taking on the Dubya and Daddy machine never batting an eye.

Ann Richards on How to Be a Good Republican:

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.

6. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

7. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

8. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

9. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

10. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

Ann, you were one hell of a ride and we will miss you.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You incite a diner riot after buying all the fried pies.

2006-09-11T17:30:00.000-05:00

Lets see how many park fans I can piss off with this..

It's September 11th and I am on media overload.
We lived it five years ago in real time. We saw the planes and the destruction. We saw the missing posters and devastated families. We saw Vice President Bush with the bullhorn in the publicity shot.
Why do we need all these specials and made for TV movies?

"September 11th, The Day of Tragedy"
"September 11th, A Nation Remembers"
"September 11th, Then and Now"

The ABC movie wasn't even a documentary folks. It was a scripted "dramatization". Did we not have enough drama when we watched it five years ago? Do you think we might be rubbing salt in the wounds of the families affected?.. Kids watching planes flying into buildings and reminding them yet again that they are orphans? How about we have memorial services everywhere and show up if you want a seat? It was a moment of national devastation people, we don't need special presentations or Hallmark cards. Bogus.

So five years later here we sit Bin Laden-less and alienating half the world. Of course Vice President Bush is going to be hogging my TV tonight with chants of "war on terror". I got news for yall, the "war on terror" isn't going to be over for another 861 days.

Oh how we are a society that likes to run with scissors.

Okay I'm done for now. Don't need to make it any easier for the Secret Service to identify me when they break into my house in the middle of the night to take me to Guantanamo.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

California Dreamin'

2006-09-02T04:27:00.000-05:00

Scoob left for California tonight and I'm feeling pretty crappy about it.
Gonna miss my buddy around here folks.

What a bloggable night it has been. She was going Greyhound to California and was to pull out at 12:10am. We arrived about 11:30pm and got checked in etc. Midnight... smoke. 1am... smoke. 2am.... pissed. Now one thing that you need to know about Greyhound (that completely blew my mind) is that buying a ticket does not guarantee you a seat. These poor people trying to get to Dallas waited to board only to be told it was standing room only. Standing room only?? I'll be damned if I shell out money to stand in an aisle! A woman traveling with two heathens declined the standing room for obvious reasons and was pretty much stuck until 4am. Bogus.

But back to our original story...
2am and out comes a less than friendly ASSHOLE to talk to the little lady above. So I politely asked where the bus was and why it was 2 hours late. He went into this saga saying that the buses are somewhere between LA and El Paso and that he has no clue when they will arrive. El Paso is a long freakin way from Ft. Worth folks.. I inquired as to why they didn't fire up another bus to which he informed me it was only and hour behind because the departure time was 1am. NEGATIVE. He then decides the El Paso bus should arrive in about 2 hours. Point of interest for you out of towners - El Paso is a hell of a lot longer than 2 hours.
To recap the situation, I did a little math and threw it at him.. If the bus was to depart at 12:10 and its now 2am, plus that speedy two hours from El Paso.. They should show up sometime around 4am. 4 hours late?.. He cops and attitude and spills into the El Paso late gig again. Luckily the genius was wrong and the bus showed up around 2:30am. OH, and apparently they don't have radios or any form of communication with the drivers??

So Scoob is on her way west to her Lust Puppet. Gonna be lonely nights around here again especially since Bing is on 12 hour shifts now. Exciting.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm going to bed.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

Hey, Leatherface, come help me with Grandpa!

2006-08-28T02:11:00.000-05:00

Yoda...........
Well you may remember the kitty that Scoob was eyeing at the vet? Yep, Bing & I went back to pick it up on Wednesday and named him Yoda. Look at the picture - it kinda works for him eh?

Yoda and his brothers were abandoned and best the vet could tell were about 7 weeks old. Yoda was the runt and extremely underdeveloped but completely lovable. He explored some and played with Rudy who instantly took him as his lil brother. A few hours later Yoda got slower and Scoob stayed up all night wrapping him in a heating pad and bottle feeding. We rushed him to the vet the next day but they put him down that night. He was only here for a day but he was the best little Jedi ever. We miss you Yoda boy...

So we got the final electric bill from the old trailer.. $475.00.
Bing called them up and apparently our payments have been late for the past few months. This was news to us folks because we pay online every month just as the hold message says 117 times. Well come to find out, this company who shall remain nameless but is less than "Reliable" takes three days to post internet payments! So we were paying before the due date but their books were hitting after. Of course they are unwilling to work with us because we are such delinquent badasses, hence Bing going into a conspiracy kick.
Everyone sing it with me..
PARANOIA, PARANOIA, everybody's coming to get me....

So, we were talking the other night about not receiving the first water bill yet. I explained that they gave us a nifty paper explaining how much water it takes to wash dishes, do laundry etc. Bing launched into a conspiracy on the folks of the Water Department. "Of course they are going to tell you it takes more water to hand wash than run the dishwasher! They want to sell as much water as possible! Regular freakin Ozarka and they lie!" This is the part where I tell you that this is a county water office with two of the nicest yet clueless women working there. They don't have time or no how for conspiracies..

Moving along.. We took our new found friend around Cleburne looking for a place to move. Touring the trailer parks, houses and shanty towns was as thrilling as deja vu can be. Oh, there was some sort of unpleasant Bing conspiracy exchange at the gas station involving profanity. And now we have come full circle folks and I promise it's gonna get better from here.

Rudy has been seriously down and out since Yoda rejoined the force and we were growing quite worried about him. Seriously pathetic. Why is it you always see free kitten signs everywhere until you actually want one?? We were on a mission to find Rudy a little brother so Bing stopped at a feed store and they gave us a number for a woman with free cats. Now keep in mind that we are pretty far out in the sticks to begin with.. I called and she proceeded to yack my freakin ear off about these kittens "born on thee fourth of July". Well happy birthday America.. So she agrees to meet us up the gravel county road at "that thar eeelectreec compney on the street".. Driving and no eeelectreec company in sight. I called her back and got a big ole "where yall at?"(..Turned out to be a fenced in transponder, go figure.) She didn't bring the cats and we were to follow her back to the house. Sinking feeling number one.. We drove around this road and that, turned here and there and kept truckin. Brandy began to recite memorable lines from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it was getting a little creepy.
Finally we pulled into the drive and I'm not sure how to describe these people but I am gonna try.. The little lady was one of those inbred country types with a big ole "yall come right on in!" and her old man was a workin the yard swetchin up a storm with his buddies. We walked in the house and these people were hunters. I'm talking deer heads on the walls, bear rugs on the floors and I turned around to see a coyote head snarling from the back of the recliner! All kinds of Jesse James crap everywhere and little medicinal bottles full of eye of newt or something. So we get past the smell of dead meat that was probably swinging in the closet and find the kittens. They were cute and we picked out a little grey one with white feet. All the while the weirdos are trying to hock one off on Brandy. (Who has 7 of her own already.).. We promptly ran to the car, waived to the Ed Gein looking man whittlin wood in the barn and tore the hell out. We were screaming turns and hauling back to civilization as fast as we could fly!

So long story even longer, Rudy has another little brother who is warming up to the Animal Kingdom and is quite rambunctious.
Everyone meet Zippy!

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

2006-08-23T01:21:00.000-05:00

I've been everywhere, man.. I've been everywhere, man.
Crossed the deserts bare, man.. I've breathed the mountain air, man.
Travel - I've had my share, man.. I've been everywhere.

I've been to:
Lancaster Ave
S. Vickery
W. Peter Smith St
----
Summit Ave
E. Rosedale St
Hemphill
S. Main Street
----
Henderson St
Jarvis
Lipscomb
AND Pennsylvania Avenue
----
What A pity I've been everywhere, man.. I've been everywhere, man.
Crossed the deserts bare, man.. I've breathed the mountain air, man.
Travel - I've had my share, man.
I've been everywhere!

Have you ever known you are so close to a destination yet cannot find the damn thing to save your life? Welcome to my day folks. I must tell you that I am very unfamiliar with most everything south of downtown Ft. Worth. I had my (un)trusty Mapquest directions which consisted of three turns but somehow it turned into an hour plus tour of "Shantytown".. You locals I am sure will be amused at the superb listing of locale up there.

(Waives to Gam!)
Long story even longer, I wore out the door locks and spent about $20 in gas to purchase a $6 item. Tragical.

Have I told you of our refrigerator tragedy?
We moved on into the purdy deelux trailer but had to scrape to find a fridge same day. Our last option (which we hated to do) was hit a rent to own place before 6pm on a Saturday. You know the drill, pay $1400 for a ridiculous marked up $700 item to begin with. Local version of a walk-in Fingerhut. We now have our 14.5 cubic ft fridge (yes, you did read that right, 14.5) for $80 a month and today I went in to make our second and hopefully last payment.

These places are created by Satan. First it is a maze to get around the damn place and lawd let me tell you some of the fugly stuff they got up in there! So I cruised on over to make the payment and was advised that we owed $94 vs. the $80 on the contract. Why might I ask? The snobby 17 year old cashier informed me that we had a late charge. We hadn't signed up for the bogus add on but apparently were a month behind on last month's fee of $13.
It's simple math here really. The first month of $80 has been paid.
How many weeks are in a month? Generally four.
Four weeks in a month and we are in week three, this negates the possibility of being a month late. - Do you see this kids?

Snobby was gracious enough to quit smacking her gum and pull the contract which showed we had checked the box declining coverage. Problem being she had charged the credit card for $93 and what we had there was a failure to communicate. I went for the throat and called the manager who refunded the difference (which is yet to show up) and fulfilled my demand of a new appliance bulb for our three week old fridge. I also explained that we requested our information not be marketed (see other checked box) but we have been receiving calls at home. Of course he will look into that right away because it certainly should not be happening!

Walking out the door I noticed an 18 cubic ft fridge for $76 a month....
Racket.

Scoob was in dire need of refreshment so we stopped at Sonic where I got the infamous Ocean Water. That stuff is still as bizarre as ever. A weird concoctive that aint right but you just cant put it down.. She was happily sucking down her orange cream slush when the conversation turned to yesteryear.. What has happened to Slurpees and Orange Julius? They have tragically gone downhill. We cant explain it, they just aint the same and dammit we're angry.

Next stop was to pick up some meds at the Vet. They had a seven week old kitten, free to a good home that Scoob was eyeing like a turkey at Thanksgiving. It was cute but all in all she decided to wait on pet prospects. Of course I had to tell Bing and Animal Kingdom may be up to six as of tomorrow morning..

Oh update for those of you informed on the previous Kingdom addition -
The folks were kind enough to bring Cooper down for a visit this past Sunday and he scared the boys and freaked the cats so we had stamp him a negative. The girlfriend didn't really look like she wanted to give him up anyway but I hope they find a good home for him if they do.

Bing has been thinking of getting an aquarium.

Ha, are you rolling your eyes too??
Punk the 20lb Mainecoon would certainly be playing water polo with fishy and Squirt would be standing by for a meal.

"Whatcha got there Charleyyyy? Chicken of the Seaaaaaaaaa...."

This idea is automatic DQ..

You might live in a trailer park if:

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

If I Only Had a Hammer...

2006-08-22T04:14:00.000-05:00

I cant sleep.
And perhaps its this gutrot thing I have going. I feel like a kid on his 13th bag of cotton candy while riding the tilt-a-whirl.
What we have here is a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.

Nothing really to blog tonight dear park fans, I'm just awake.

Oh, I need to give a shout out to one of my favorite websites, Findadeath.com
This catchy little site contains detailed descriptions of celebrity deaths. The owner actually runs a "gravehunting" business in L.A. and will send you a "Death Hag" bumper sticker free of charge. Plus he might put you on the site if you send him a picture of the sticker in a nifty place! My personal favorite has got to be the JFK limousine in the Ford museum in Detroit Michigan -
http://findadeath.com/funstuff/detroithag/dec05.htm

Now wasn't that a thrilling experience??

Back to the Carnies on the tilt-a-whirl....

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
(Dedicated to Daddy.)

2006-08-21T05:42:00.000-05:00

I hate waiting in line. Anywhere anytime, the world is full of lines. Some are sometimes rude and in a hurry, other times some moron holds up the line for the stupidest shit.

In an effort to avoid the grocery store, I arrived at the Diamond Shamrock.. NO line = SCORE!
Thus, me and my two bottles of water would quickly be on our way! ..
Negative.

Two broads in pajama pants somehow got in front of me and it was game on.. "How much are these scratch offs? Ohhh not the twenty dollar ones! Which are the five dollars? Oh, Lone Star and Pinky Dice and Happy Poker, which shall we choose? Then we played the "two of these, three of those and one more of them ones" game. Apparently somebody couldn't count because twenty bucks was all they had for lottery glory.. Now I must tell you that there is a clock up on the window and I was counting the minutes.. Five minutes might not sound like a long time but trust me when I say it is an eternity when one is in a lottery dilemma. Two more minutes while the cashier voids the unwanted tickets.. Tick tock, Tick Tock with four people behind me.. "Which ones are the one dollars? (other igmo) "well you never win on dollar tickets heeee heee hee" (igmo #1) Yes but even a little would be nice.." and on and on. Tick tock.. Tic tock.. 10 minutes and I'm beginning to wonder if they are trying to win gas money.. 12 minutes and we have reached a decision - three Pinkys and four dollar Hoopla Happy Cash. The Broads pay in QUARTERS and proceed to start counting.. Must have been a light laundry mat day??
14 minutes later I was on my way with two bottles of half ass cold water.
I hate people.

Now speaking of laundry mats, I had a date in one once. Very interesting and it does take 2 hours to dry a comforter.. Two hours at a laundry mat aint necessarily a bad thang heh heh..
Do you wonder why they are called laundry mats? Did folks at one time wash only laundry mats? Is that some sort of kin to a front door mat? Ahhh the mysteries of life..

We had a nice friend over tonight who is well acquainted with my midget molester. The joys of reminiscing..We threw some burgers on and watched the movie RV. That movie folks has Daddy written all over it - right down to the RV sitting in a lake for two days. Definitely on Daddy's Christmas list. We enjoyed her stay and please come visit the park anytime!

It is 6am and I should be in bed but life is a gamble aint it?.. Bing is all suited up and ready for work on Wednesday! You go my woman! Some idiot found the Virgin Mary on a chocolate drop. She turns up anywhere these days and I reckon Mary was a Hershey's fan.. Nothing much else exciting.. No one has flown in the arms of Jesus and neither Angela Lansbury or Jesus has stopped by to pick anyone up.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever been too drunk to fish.

2006-08-15T04:08:00.000-05:00

So I was bored last week and got a newspaper. An actual newspaper.
Everyone now waive to my Gam who is certainly shaking her head right now at my pathetic, paperless generation. Don't get her started on my phone book skills!

I was reviewing the recent Obituary inductees when I ran across a couple of high rollers - "Sophia so and so (comma) Our precious angel (comma) fought hard for four days then flew into the arms of Jesus."
say it with me .... flew into the arms of Jesus??

"Jesus stopped by to pick up our Mother Juanita last Wednesday."
Jackpot.. Jesus just happened to stop by??? Lucky Juanita.
Remember that broad on Murder She Wrote? Every time she stopped by for a visit or weekend stay somebody wound up dead too..

Tonight I went to the grocery store and lawd if there wasn't a Krispy Kreme truck with the back doors wide open! My friend suggested we grab a couple of boxes but my conscience spoke to me.. Why steal a couple of boxes when you can take the whole truck?? But I really didn't see a good outcome with Bing having to spring me from her new job... negative.

And now a tasty receipe from a loyal park fan -

Frito Pie on the Go!
(This is designed to be assembled at 7-11)
Big Grab of Fritos (Dainty appetite? Use the snack-sized bag)
One can of chili with beans
Grated Cheddar cheese
Spork
Accouterments (your choice): sour cream, onions, tomatoes, jalapenos - whatever the 7-11 has

Snip across the side of the Fritos bag (an authentic Frito pie MUST be served in the bag and eaten with a spork). Pour in the chili, top with cheese and anything else your heart desires. Then stick the fork into the bag, mix it up into a sloppy mess, and enjoy! More fun that a funnel cake at the flea market!

You might live in a trailer park if:
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Deep Fried and Double Wide!!

2006-07-28T01:43:00.000-05:00

Well folks I am back from my hiatus. For those of you who don't know, we upgraded to a fancy new trailer. Have no worries, yes we brought the graffiti picnic table with us as a reminder. It makes me teary thinking about all we left behind.. Rotting floors, leaky toilet and a window unit that ran us a $400 bill. Don't get me wrong park fans, I do miss throwing the cooking grease out the side door.. very accessible and downwind as not to waft back to the winders...

Bing has decided to go back into law enforcement and was hired full time into the Sheriff's department. My own lil Barney Fife ready for action and Mayberry aint got shit on us.
Bing, I'm proud of you baby!!

Well this is old news but I saved it up and am still feeling it..
Andrea Yates pisses me off folks..
Granted I have never landed a kid or dealt with post depression or whatever the hell but C'mon, she really didn't have it all that terrible. A (nutbrainy supportive) husband who worked for NASA and a stacked house but Satan told her to off the kiddies anyway. Taking one for a dip was sickening enough but she couldn't stop on number 2 or 3? So they send her up the river for a couple of years and low and behold she was requited in her retrial.
Now spends her days lumpin around the nutward while five children lay dead.
What the hell is with this country?

And now a special shout out to LUST PUPPET!
Scoob will have a #3, extra mayo....... heh heh!

Vanilla mint Listerine? Tragically negatory.

I miss quality tv shows and it seems as if nothing good is on anymore. No Queer as Folk, no Carnivale and I miss Six Feet Under. Did you catch that series finale? Omg, beautimus ending folks.. Sopranos will be closing in May and HBO may as well shutdown because I am yet to see anything that stacks up.. Nope, I don't plan on watching the L word again. I didn't cry over Dana and am yet to see a fat, fugly real world dyke??

Ok Ground Control to Captain Baracuuuuuda...
Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio?

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

Mail Call!

2006-07-21T04:52:00.000-05:00

Maybe our Nifty Nine will come back one day soon but here are a couple more emails in the box.
Special thanks to Susan for sending a couple of these in!
Yall crack me up!

What is the best practical joke you have played on someone?
- It wasnt really a practical joke but probably when I started the office on fire with rubber bands and beat the rap ty.

Have you ever eaten wild berries off a bush?
- Yall aint right.

What is something interesting you have discovered recently?
Third Watch reruns on A&E.

Does the battle dive ability of imperial griffins damage your allies if they're in the targetted grid?
- Affirmative Ghostrider.

Is religion more powerful than government?
- Oh certainly.. Damn Republicans.

How many people have you slept with?
- OMG, automatic disqualification!

If you could go anywhere, right now, where would you go?
- Standard.. On a beach with a pina colada coconut.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You have ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

2006-07-07T03:15:00.000-05:00

Ok it's been a while since the last entry so let's hit the mailbag.. I have a feeling that the die-hards will be rolling in the aisles but remember that I have your email addresses and know who you are!

You can spin your luck at Klondyke26@yahoo.com

What is the first thing you look at when you meet a new person?
- (Yes, call me a liar but honest to God!) .. Eyes.

What is the most embarrassing story that your parents tell about you?
- I'll throw this one in for my Mom... We were in a store and I was I don't remember, maybe 3? .. The man ahead of us in line had been out running and was sweating profusely. (Yes Mom, I will do it justice) ..
HEYYYYYY MISTER! I SAID HEYYYYY MISTER!
Didn't your Momma ever tell you not to pee in your pants???
HEYYYYY MISTER???????

What is your most lame yet truthful excuse used to call into work?
- My garage door wouldn't open.

How does the body know exactly how fast the heart needs to beat?
- I gauge that on a sliding scale according to coffee and nicotine intake.

Have you ever woken up after a night of being so completely drunk that you wish that you could feel that lingering moment of happiness you felt the night before forever, and life would be worth living? Please describe.
- Omg, my mother and Gamster read this!! Part one yes. Part two no.

Do you like mayonnaise?
- I'm so not going to feed into wherever you are going on this.

Are you afraid to die?
- Negative.

Do you think OJ was guilty?
- He paid good money for it I'm sure.

Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys?
- See mayo question above.

What road sign are you and why?
- Bon Jovi. Because I like the band.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Yankee Doodle Ho Hum

2006-07-04T21:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Fourth of July dear park fans!

We Americans sure know how to party.
Grills on the lawn, beer in the cooler and explosives!

But the truth is that I am bummed this year.
I moved to Wisconsin in 1999 and met my dear friend Jean. I was new in town and Jean invited me out to her folks lake house for the annual 4th of July bash. I arrived to well over a hundred people. The kids were swimming and playing volleyball, massive amounts of food everywhere and a bonfire around which we sang and watched fireworks over the lake. Jean's folks go all out on this even down to having a special gift for all the kids. Her mom Judy is certainly decked out in a patriotic tshirt today and wishing everyone in sight a "very happy 4th!".. This family took me in as one of their own and the 4th of July blowout quickly became ritual.

This year I am back in Texas and the 4th will never be the same. Thank you Jean, Dave, Bob, Judy, Renee and crew for taking me in. I miss you all this year and wish you the happiest 4th of July yet.
And Marion... have a beer for me.

Leave it to me to live in one of the two counties permitting fireworks this year. Mind you that I am home alone with Animal Kingdom and they are on total spazzout in every direction. This is everyone's first firework experience and as of last headcount, two cats are hiding in the cabinets howling for mercy, the boys are barking with every pop and of course the antisocial Siamese is darting around like a scene out of the movie Platoon.
I'm hoping the 10pm ordinance hits soon......

I'm out of Lucky Charms and Chex isn't looking affirmative. Why does this happen???

I have stumbled upon the most impressive commercial yet folks. It's a new feminine product called Rephresh. Think FDS wipes with a makeover.

- Rephresh. Catchy spellin aint it?

I thought so too until upon further examination and minus two letters..
Rephresh also spells the word herpes.

Quick show of hands..
How many male readers are still with us?
Anyone?.. Anyone?.. Wusses...

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever been mentioned in a State of The Union Address regarding poverty.

2006-07-02T11:55:00.000-05:00

Another cookout with our friends for this time a Birthday.
The Midget returns....

We rolled up and it was a crowd. I have no clue exactly how many but the estimate was somewhere around twenty-three. This of course included the Midget's bunch which accounted for eight or nine. Yes, they were in all their glory and pretty much crashed the event in every way possible. Now from a few entries ago you may remember the pregnant welfare case.. Grandthing Midget showed off the newest welfare case which was four weeks old. Sad situation my friends - especially when toothless wonder yelled at the kid to shut up?? That right there is some mighty white trash parenting skillz. A four week old infant who is certainly destined to turn out like the rest of them..

Midget of course was gussied up in her usual outfit but this time minus the ballcap. The haircut was beyond belief and I am not certain that I can do it justice but here is the take.. Being that I am the object of her lustful desires, she informed me that she went home to take a shower. Didn't need that visual folks. Negative. So back to the minus ballcap description.. Downright tragical. Her head was shaved on top from front to about six inches back ending with in a disturbing mullet. Don't try to rationalize this because I have never seen anything close.
A return to the infested ballcap is highly recommended.

While trapped with the toothless wonder she informed me of her theory on "hyperactive" children. She puts them all to bed at 7:30pm to "keep them on a consistent schedule". Once again class A parenting skillz. Those children are not hyperactive. They are just screwed in the head.

Speaking of disturbing events it is time for another TV commercial segment.

You all know that I am a big fan of the maxipad commercials. Little lawn chairs, blue water and now pinball? Yes, I said pinball. Little maxipad chillin with wings and all the sudden a little ball breaks up and down the middle. aA few ping noises with the wings actually flapping and Lord God, it's game on.

WOULD-YOU-LIKE-TO-PLAY-A-GAME?

Of course there are a new slew of new Viagra and Herpes commercials which are pretty standard but this one takes the cake.. It was a men's product of course because female sexual dysfunction never gets attention but anyway I was trying to ignore it until the word SEMEN was broadcasted. Where is the FCC when you need them?? That word makes me cringe. Sperm count or plain "dysfunction" would have worked nicely but oh no they went for the big one.
Massive ewwwww!!

I haven't seen any amusing infomercials lately but maybe Cher will come back with a new hair product soon..

As for CNN-
Jessica and Nick got divorced. Don't care.
Hussein's wife is on Dubyas most wanted. Given.

An article was on the new rage "green funerals". I'm not a tree hugger by any means but this sounds interesting. There is no embalming, just simple shroud or enviro box into the ground. A natural stone or preferably a tree is planted in place of a regular marker. I've always committed to cremation but this is a pretty cool option.
But as Daddy would say, stupid hippie crap!

Damn this is a long entry and yall are probably tired of readin so I am going to close. Yall stop on by the park sometime and leave comments because the moonpies are still going fast!

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever tried to spread Christmas cheer with a crop duster.

2006-06-30T09:02:00.000-05:00

I've never liked the show The View because it reminded me of a pathetic hen house gibbering forever. Hence the fact that I am about maxed on the Star Jones vs. Barbara Walters crap! Star was due to get booted so she cut it short and threw a bomb on them.. Why is this on CNN? Ok, for the sake of argument here.. Is it not (sad) human nature to get payback when one feels jaded?? I do have to say in Barbara's defense (whether sincere or not) that she did handle Star's departure very professionally. Star seems to be the one crying another somebody done me wrong song to every media outlet possible.
Lets end this thing now...
Star, find a new job and more realistic name.
Barbara, dear diva, your ratings will now improve.
Rosie, good luck in the hen house. You'll need it.

It seems Vice President Bush is heading off to Graceland today with the honcho of Japan. Yes folks, tax dollars are paying for the flying mansion to visit the jungle room.
That takes some attention off Iraq don't it?

Moving onto other CNN news.. It seems that our government has a new report detailing how to save Cuba from itself once Castro dies. Apparently it calls for an $80 million "democratic fund" and also recommends at least $20 million a year for "democracy programs" until they get their shit together.

Now here is the kicker as quoted from CNN -
"This critical 180-day period could mean the difference between a successful transition period and the stumbles and missteps that have slowed other states in their transitions toward democracy," the report says.

Does anyone else find "stumbles and missteps" sounding strangely close to the current situation in Iraq? Why is it that the good old USA needs to march around conforming all societies to ours?

I'm angry.
Sure it beats a Totalitarian society but Democracy ain't always pretty folks. It ain't pretty when hundreds of dead people float down streets for days on end. It ain't pretty when the government blows billions around the world but cuts school programs here at home. And Democracy sure ain't pretty when politicians paint nasty little pictures to get what they want, all in the name of "Democracy".

Now before you go getting your moonpies in a wad, many brave people have fought and died so that I can sit my lazy ass here at the park and type away my first amendment. I honor and respect each and every person that has served this country and to them I owe my life. The rant above was directed toward politicians who seem to be digging holes on every corner of this Earth.

My blog. Your problem.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You think Bagel Bites can harm you.

2006-06-27T20:26:00.000-05:00

List three of your favorite quotes:
1) Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West
2) I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. -George Carlin
3) I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate. -George Burns

List three toys you loved when you were a child:
1) He-Man
2) parachute men
3) Nintendo

List three things you always put off:
1) Mopping floors
2) Doctor Appointments
3) Phone Calls

You might live in a trailer park if:
You’ve ever knocked a woman unconscious by snapping her bra.

Nifty Nine and Trailer News

2006-06-21T21:53:00.000-05:00

List three of your irrational fears:
I dont really have any irrational.

List three things you'd never eat:
I'll do anything for the right price.

List three things you regret:
1) Being in WI when my grandma died.
2) Buying a house.
3) Not trying harder before I left WI.

Well its been a busy week here outside the park.. Sunday was of course Daddy's Day and he upheld the track record per usual. Plans were cancelled due to a flat tire. Daddy, you are still the best a kid could have no matter how unbelievably screwed up you are at times!.. Tuesday my bud Ang had surgery, all went well and she is doing good. She will be recouperatin here at the park this wknd..

Oh, my former Stepmonster was in a coma and I dropped in when they pulled the plug - good riddance. Stepmonster, I hope your afterlife is as miserable as you made me.

We have a wedding this weekend and I will be on full molestation midget patrol. I have been assured that it wont be making an appearance but with the way this week has gone.. LOL

Hope all you park fans are doing well.
Please dont forget your moonpie and RC before you exit!

You might live in a trailer park if:
You’ve ever opened up a scorpion petting zoo and made money off of it.

Beware, BirdFlu!

2006-06-16T14:24:00.000-05:00

NIFTY NINE!

2006-06-14T00:48:00.000-05:00

List three things you've drank today:
1) Diet Dr. Pepper
2) Cherry Limeade
3) More Diet Dr. Pepper

List three things you've eaten today :
1) Mac & Cheese
2) Hamburger Steak
3) Nothin

List three talents you wish you had:
1) ambition is overrated
2) ambition is overrated
3)ambition is overrated

You might live in a trailer park if:
You are paying child support to yourself.

Dental Emergencies..

2006-06-07T19:29:00.000-05:00

We have made it to our 50th post! This is incredible folks and we all here at the park say thank you kindly!

Lets start off with a topic that has been raised by the newer park fans. It seems that some don't quite understand the trailer park speak. Here is a short and informative list of terms so that you can enjoy your stay.

Mobile home:A large house trailer that that can be connected to utilities and can be parked in one place and used as permanent housing

Flamingo:
Any of several large gregarious wading birds of the family Phoenicopteridae of tropical regions, having reddish or pinkish plumage, long legs, a long flexible neck, and a bill turned downward at the tip. Often used as landscaping additions. (See Mobile Homes above.)

Tragical:
Tragic such as "You take too tragical a view of matters" "He assumes a sudden look of tragical sobriety"

Affirmative:
1 : asserting the existence of certain facts esp. in support of a cause of action
2 : resulting from an intentional act
3 : involving or requiring application of effort
4 : favoring or supporting a proposition or motion

Negative:
1 : to refuse to approve; veto.
2 : to deny; contradict.
3 : to demonstrate to be false; disprove.
4 : to counteract or neutralize.

Do yall remember that candy concoction "Bit-o-Honey"? I sprung for the super duper anti Jenny Craig model and excitedly unwrapped my chunk-o-honey.. Folks, I dont remember this being so complicated! Talk about a struggle first getting the wrapper open and the wax paper on both sides of the tasty treat. I was salivating until discovering that the honey had squeezed out and dried around the wax paper. I pondered how to approach this as I tore wax confetti everywhere.. Broke the hold and had my wax paper laced treat which was looking slightly unappetizing but still I soldiered on. Now comes the tricky part. You cant bite the pieces, you have to break them apparently thru wax paper. So you bend back and forth in a playdough motion until finally the moment arrives. Now one thing you need to know when eating this candy is that you will lose a filling or two in the process. The best approach is to melt it on your tongue and to the top of your mouth overlooking the fact that you look like a dog eating peanut butter. When all was done it tasted just as I remembered short of the wax paper.
Magically, Tragically Delicious!

Kool Aid was the bestest thing on earth when I was a kid. Sometimes you drank it with half a pitcher of sugar and others you mixed the sugar in for ghetto pixy stick effect. My ultimate flavor was Purplesaurus Rex and this folks was the yummiest of them all.. Sorta berrish and tangy but sweet with a grapeish finish.. I looked for it a few yrs ago and found out that they discontinued the flavor.
Tragical class A negatory violation.

Have you ever drank Sprite thru a Twizzler?
Or put Smarties up your nose?
Me neither.........

My favorite cereal as a kid was Captain Crunch. I think it was the blue Captain hat or the elusive crunchberries but that cereal was my guilty pleasure. So a few months ago I ran across it in the store and had to relive the glory days.
What the hell happened to Captain Crunch???????? This Crunch Spawn was not of my youth, it was horrible. The cereal itself was so hard that I almost cracked a tooth and the crunchberries left a really nasty film on the roof of my mouth. They must have changed the dye too because my tongue wasnt even blueish red!! And yes, tragically the Peanut Butter Cap'n has gone to hell too.
Where has the Captain Gone?????????

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your paperweight is a decomposing chicken.

This Week's Nifty Nine

2006-06-07T12:08:00.000-05:00

List three people you'd like to trade lives with for one week:
1) Bill Gates
2) Dubya
3) Our freakin' cats!

List three places in the United States you'd like to visit :
1) Boston, MA
2) Cooperstown, NY
3) Washington D.C.

List three songs that make you dance in your seat as soon as you hear them:
1) AM Radio, Everclear
2) All Along the Watchtower, Jimi Hendrix
3) She's A Lady, Tom Jones

You might live in a trailer park if:
You’ve ever woke up with a crop circle shaved in your beard.

Exotic, Erotic and a Little Psychotic

2006-06-06T10:16:00.000-05:00

Moon Pie: Modern-day pastry food, invented during the first half of the 20th century. It consists of two graham crackers shaped into round cookies, with marshmallow filling in the center. The confection is then dipped in chocolate (or other flavors).Moon pies are seen as a unique creation of the United States' South, where they have been a perennial favorite since their inception. Moon pies reached the peak of their popularity during the 1950s, when many workers bought them as an inexpensive snack to tide their hunger for a while.
Around this time, the typical cost of a moon pie was about five cents, and a soda to drink was also a nickel. The popular legend of moon pies states that R.C. Cola became the drink of choice to accompany a moon pie, because a serving of R.C. Cola was typically larger than a serving of Coca-Cola or other sodas. The combination of "an R.C. Cola and a moon pie" became inseparable.

Bein the official start of summer, we had us the 24th Annual Moonpie Festival here at the park last weekend! Thelma Lynn and Betty organized the pot luck (them was some tasty pork rinds Ms. Lucy!) and of course Jolene was always handing out her helpful tips here and there. We're already planning for next year and surely hope yall can join us!

And heresy some pictures we took off the Polaroid!http://twopinkflamingos.myphotoalbum.com

Now this in that link above is our official 2006 Moon Pie Festival Tshirt which can be purchased in our gift shop for only $15.00 plus shipping. Sizes are available from small to extra large! Yall just holler if you want one.

You might live in a trailer park if:

You've ever put Everclear in your ears after swimmin.

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

2006-05-31T12:25:00.000-05:00

Wow, the trailer park fans are writing in droves now and Lordy, we aint seen this much action since the big Airstream fire of '62! It seems that a few fans have ponderable questions for me. Keep them coming!

Q. Can you cry under water?
A. Affirmative but you'd probably die or something.

Q. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
A. Have they been elected to office or do they just pay taxes?

Q. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
A. Because they use all the paper.

Q. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
A. Be cremated and take your chances. Is being nekkid for eternity really a bad thing??

Q. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
A. It's just the husbands who never got up.

Q. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
A. Because Bing will.. and does.

Q. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
A. To give us hope.

Q. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
A. This question could get me into way too much trouble.

Q. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A. Absolutely. Want a list?

Q. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
A. No, the White House offers tours too.

So I had a little hunger thing going tonight but disqualified the pork chops.. It was down to a chicken type of tv dinner or frozen gas station burritos. Now I loves me some gas station burritos folks but for some reason I gambled on the chicken.. These things are way too complicated. Peel the film back but only over the vegetables because evidently everything else will be screwed to hell. Then I nuke for five minutes on medium power.. (Medium power?) Five minutes go by and the ding arrives so I rip back the film and stir. Apparently I wasnt supposed to rip the film off because it goes back on for another minute.. Now this other minute I discovered is so that you can burn the shit out of your tongue.. See the madness?
I should have gone with the gas station burritos.

We still do not have a winner declared for our riddle dear readers.. Remember that there are Triscuits and fancy Dollar General spray cheese riding on this!
- You mundane noodle! -

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever spit a watermelon seed through drywall.

Got change for a twenty?

2006-05-30T23:50:00.000-05:00

Mae West once said "one and one is two, two and two is four and five will get you ten if you know how to work it.."
Well I've always been a risk taker and most anyone will tell you that.

With full risk in tow, I decided to have the pork chops which were made out on the community park grill last night. The risk portion of our program comes in the fact that I forgot and left them sitting in the microwave for approximately six hours.. The sniff and look tests were affirmative so I took a walk on the wild side and dug in. They were quite tasty but I am now concerned as to why my tongue is tingling and has a metallic flavor. There are lots of ways to go out of this world kids but I'm thinking death by pork chop isn't going to be pretty..

I need to reflect on all that I haven't done yet before my impending trip to the big trailer park in the sky..
- Blow up ants with Malto Meal
- Make ramen noodles in a coffee pot
- Drink LOTS of Listerine
- Sit atop trailer with bb gun picking off flamingos
- Sky dive while singing The Night They Drove Ole Dixie Down..

Do you see how tragically my life will be cut short?? My lips are tingling now.. Oh God.. Lizabeth! Lizabeth , It's the big one!..

UPDATE: Well it's been two hours and I still have vision in one eye.. Could I have made it? Looks like no trailer park in the sky just yet kids..

I guess ten will get you twenty if you work it right..

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever peeled an orange during sex.

Our Weekly Feature..

2006-05-30T17:14:00.000-05:00

It's time for our Nifty Nine!

List three items of clothing you'd hate to part with:
1) Boston Red Sox cap
2) wife beaters
3) my 501's

List three TV shows you wish would come back:
1) Will and Grace
2) Six Feet Under
3) Carnivale

Political affiliations aside, list three people who you wish would run for president:
1) Madeline Albright
2) Can we get Bill back now??
3) Ann Richards would be a hoot.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You’ve ever done a stage dive at a piano recital.

Negatively Tragic.

2006-05-29T00:22:00.000-05:00

So by now I am sure you have seen the newest KFC racket, new Famous Bowls! .Well I'm not sure how famous they can be after 3 days of marketing but ok let's examine this monstrosity.. We have a pile of potatos with corn atop, some dried out chicken and the gratuitous two spoons of gravy slopped on top. Now of course for those in doubt they have placed a heap of cheese to cover the insanity.. Those that are acquainted with my neurotic habits know that this is a tragical class A violation. I never ate shepherd's pie as a kid and I'm not going to start now.

So I was drinking Listerine last night and explaining to a friend my fascination of showering in the dark. Try it sometime folks. Just turn out the lights and let the water rain over your head.
Beautimus.

So I was reading my comments and saw a few recommendations.
Number one from the park fans was requesting more graphics.. Look around and you'll be mighty pleased.. Number two was how much you love the trailer park.. Have no fear friends, the moon pies and rc cola will always be here for anyone who stops by, proving that the schmuck saying "there is no such thing as a free lunch" just didn't stop by. Another suggestion was to include a short biography of myself and how I came to live in this here beautimus park.. Well, I was born, am still here and hope to be a Mortician one day.

Ok.. first person to name this gets a box of triscuits and a can of that fancy Dollar General spray cheese.. No Googling please because Jesus hates a liar!
- You mundane noodle! -

You might live in a trailer park if:
You put your foot ottoman up on blocks to keep it from rolling away.

Holy Shit! I'm a Celebrity!

2006-05-27T19:20:00.000-05:00

Well dear trailer park fans, I was catching up on my comments and want to thank the good folks that have stopped by. This blog started out as another random Renny "what the hell?" moment but it has become so much more to me. It was a place to bitch about the world and to rant my (many) aggressions but now it feels like a home. There aint nothin like livin in a trailer park folks and all of you make it worthwhile. Thank You.

Ok, the damn Hallmark moment is over and on to the good stuff.. First allow me to give a shoutout to BING! My girl has been feeling a little left out on the blog but baby here is your turn to shine! Thank you for being the beautiful woman that you are, especially when I'm insanely bitchy for no apparent reason.

Have I mentioned the (extremely) scary midget that has a silent, sickening obsession with me? No you say? Well allow me to explain this frightful tale.. Ok, about a month ago we went to some friends house for a cook out. A highly disturbing bunch came trucking across the road to join us and Lord they were a treat. A couple, 5'7ish toothless wonder and the lil butch herself at 4'9 - with umpteen kids in tow. Let us focus on the butch midget for a little backstory.. This thing was all butched up in her work pants and some sleeveless form of a has been tshirt and infested ballcap. Tragic. She was so tough and mighty that it took all I had to contain my amusement. I'm talking smokin with the whole hand over her face, adjusting her ballcap and talking in a deep midget voice. I noticed that she was staring at ME from nonchalantly to obvious to that that look of creepy "I don't want know what is going thru her mind right now". Mind you that I was sitting next to Bing and this progressed without anyone's knowledge.. I clued Bing in as soon as possible and we had a signal system going. Nope, I didnt imagine it, she wanted me.. bad.. red tab Levis and all. She walked ME to my truck talking all the while about her big bad self and running me head to toe folks. We made our great escape as soon as possible and had a disturbing laugh out of it..
Fast forward to today. Same friends invited us to the lake for another cookout. We need to stop doing these things because damn if the toothless wonder, midget and Welfare cases were in attendance! One poor girl was 24, huge as a house with the mortgage pregnant for the third time and out of work sponging on Welfare. Turns out she was a spawn of the midget! I didn't need THAT visual folks.. So long story even longer, I avoided the midgets creepy eye contact, stayed close to Bing with full signals in effect and got the hell out of there ASAP.
Disturbingly Tragical.

In between disturbing midget, a group of Amish folks rolled up. No, I am not making this up folks.. Full Amish little house on the prairie get ups with bonnets and smiles basking in Gods natural wonders. I was wondering if the ice cream truck freaked them out with the motor and all until they piled into a VAN and drove off. I'm confused and it has been a long day..

I still hate the government.

Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away! Take my hand as we step into yesterday.. Can you tell me how to get to get to Sesame Street?.. BINGO!

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever rode a bike in an elevator.

"I Killz This Blog!"

2006-05-26T22:14:00.000-05:00

I've never been a fan of Dr. Phil. Maybe it is the Oprah spin off thing or something but he is a negatory. That whole shame people into crying for ratings thing is basically the same Springer with a little less beads and a little more shine.
So I was making coffee tonight and 'ole Phil was introducing the next lunatics.. A man and woman in early thirties, kinda white bread and mayonnaise-ish and by all appearances half ass normal. Here is where the show starts kids.. They have been engaged for six years but somewhere along the way she got knocked up. He became possessive when she wouldn't move in. She felt like he couldn't commit. He decided to run her and the kid over with the car. Now why this situation isn't more suited for the COPS audience I don't know. I don't need to spend an hour of my life on these people because it's simple really. Lady, check the hell out. Dude, grow up. Kid, wait 20 years and go on Maury because he IS your father!

The tainted muffins were back tonight. No real developments but details will follow as they progress. I am elated however to know that muffins are safe to eat once again.

I hate the Government.
We need another tea party.

I've been thinking again about the vacation that I need and that perhaps my expectations were too high.. I sat in a parking lot to soak some sun and eat a Pina Colada sno cone but it really didn't work for me. Tragical.

Well hell, it's Memorial Day weekend.. I was wondering why all the chips were gone at the store. Another mystery of life unlocked.. Yall have a safe holiday and think of our soldiers and veterans as you eat those burgers. We owe them our lives no matter which side of this thing we are on.

You might be a redneck if:
Your credit report is stained with blood.

Muffins! Again!

2006-05-25T23:05:00.000-05:00

Of course the damn muffins are back on the news tonight. "Breaking news tonight on the tainted muffins, we have Chopper 5 live on the scene.." Ok, so the latest is that two high school kids have confessed, posted bond and are facing twenty years for this horrible offense. I had my share of high school pranks (and probably should have gotten jail time too) but this is a muffin thang?? Twenty years?? Waste of my oxygen. Get off my TV.

I had a long day today folks. Three total hours of driving. I hate the Government.

I had lunch with Daddy today. Nothing special, just him bitching about his Government job over a plate of chicken livers. (Do you see the Government pattern here??)

Never give a 15 pound cat a bath. Negative.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever spooned with your girl at a carp pond.

Goin Places That I've Never Been....

2006-05-25T00:49:00.000-05:00

Everybody say hayyyyy to VON! Von flew in and we had the chance to meet for dinner tonight. A mental note if you're ever visiting the area: Avoid Dallas. period.
So dear Von was staying in the 'burbs about an hour away and a little out of my western neck of the woods but I had Mapquest, right? Wrong. I headed into unknown territory and here's where the helpful Dallas hint comes in.. I missed my exit and wound up on some idiotic stretch of crap going into Dallas. It was height of rush hour and I was seeing roads that I have only heard about on traffic reports. After stopping for directions (twice) in a "questionable" area , I found another stretch of idiotic crap right thru downtown. Yes, fancy buildings and all.. So two and a half hours later I arrived to a smiling and starving Von.

We had a wonderful time catching up over dinner and it was nice to see my Yankee pal. Von, I have missed you so much and ty for the invite.

It was then time to get home and I prayed for the second time in two days. Tragic.. I took my (un)trusty Mapquest straight home and damn if the exit wasnt two down from my earlier mistake. Tragical again. But in the end and 164 miles later, she was worth every one. Come back soon Pal :)

American Idol: Obviously I missed it while touring the Metroplex tonight but by all accounts Taylor won. Granted I havent watched many seasons but didnt the Clay/ Ruben showcase showdown go on a few weeks? I thought so but maybe not.. Back to Taylor, everyone has a gimmick and I guess the white boy had enough soul?

I'm thinking again about going back to school. Maybe when I get some of this other shit out of the way.. I have the ever growing list of clientele and it is still a dream that I entertain..

Oh, I keep forgetting to add my favorite game that I play on Yahoo. It's a solitaire game and it is easier than it looks. Try it out!
http://games.yahoo.com/games/downloads/sa.html

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your front two teeth swivel like a saloon door.

Nifty Nine!

2006-05-23T21:01:00.000-05:00

Well it's time for our Tuesday Three.. I have decided to rename this feature the "Nifty Nine" but for some reason its not allowed. I'm bucking the system folks.

List three of your favorite comfort foods:
1) Txn BBQ Brisket
2) Mac and cheese
3) Chicken & Dumplins

List three celebrities you think are probably good people:
1) Tom Hanks
2) Shout out to Rosie & Kelly
3) Celebrities are a Racket

If you could whisper three things in the president's ear and you knew he'd seriously consider what you said, what would they be:
..... only three????.....
1) I'm tired of being a second class citizen
2) Pull out of Iraq you dumbass
3) You make my skin crawl and the Dixie Chicks were sooo right.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your kids names were chosen at random from hot rod magazines.

And at the Top of the hour.. Muffins!

2006-05-22T22:23:00.000-05:00

Muffins. Yes, I said muffins..
Let me tell you about the big muffin scandal around these parts lately. The news broke last week of some school's teachers and employees who ate tainted muffins. No, you dont understand. This was breaking news muffins. Top of the hour muffins. Newspaper and radio show muffins.. I mean muffin insanity folks. The friggin FBI got in on it which I suppose isnt anything these days but cmon. They ruled out anthrax and day by day we got the new muffin report. So today being the day of muffin destiny, it seems the horrible source of muffin taintage was.. pot! .. Can you imagine someone having the audacity to make pot muffins?? I mean whats next? Pot brownies?? Enough with the friggin muffins people!! SHUT UP.

Back to those nifty scanner toys at the grocery store a few entries back.. We went today and I grabbed my nifty scanner gun. BEEP! BEEP! Do you wish to delete, Y or N? BEEP! .. Well we beep'd everything possible and headed to check out. (Why I punish myself with self check out I will never know).. I've used them before but they piss me off at times, especially when the old, decrepit woman is standing over me yelling for moving the bags around. Such an effort for her to swipe her little management card but anyway.. It turns out after her seven minute lecture that the scanner gun is more than a calculator. You just scan everything, aim the gun at the register and holy shit, you dont have to ring anything up!

Thats about all I can think of.. Soapy Papoose signing off.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your child's first words were, ÂAttention K-Mart shoppers!"

Can I have this dance.. For the Rest of my Life...

2006-05-21T23:41:00.000-05:00

Weddings.. Oh, how I hate weddings..
I avoid these things at all cost. Everybody gets gussied up and flies in from everywhere, knowing half of them dont get along or have died off but nonetheless it's a celebration.. We all piled in the car and off to the little white chapel. Weddings are a crock folks. Creepy photographer lurkin around for that perfect shot and all the formalities of who sits where and what candles get lit when. Tragic.

In keeping with happiness, it was a nice shindig. They had 10-12 people on each side and somebody wranglin in the little ones. Short version, they said their agreements, slammed some rings and locked a kiss.. Onto the reception. Got the grub on the purdy plates (only in Texas do you find quesidillas..) and onto the fancy glasses of iced tea. Given my knack for clumsiness, I looked around for a sippy cup but no dice. There were no drunken idiots which was a plus because I prefer to make fun of ignorant sober people. The standard wedding tunes were in effect and poor Dusty was still wishin and hopin.. Mom had already pegged the standard nifty wedding song in the title above and three times that one played as we edged closer to a kareoke moment.. But all in all, it was a nice affair outside with lights and lack of the chicken dance..
Great job Brad and Erin, it's hard work from here on out.

.. Moving on, outside the park Daddy is still workin on the homestead. He has one side of the house sided purdy and talking of painting the wood on the other three. (Yes, he did finally get that open side finished after four months and is looking forward to installing the central air unit that he ripped off after Winn-Dixie closed.) Perhaps I'll scan pictures of the homestead and make a headshaking redneck experience for all.

Lets see what is in the news.. They have started diggin for Jimmy over in Michigan again. It's been a good 30 years now folks. Let the poor man be wherever he wound up because it's a JFK thing and we're never going to know. Hmm, Ray Nagin got re-elected in New Orleans. I dont live there so not much I can say. Oh Divinci Code came close to scraping Titanic on profits this weekend.. There is something about Britney Spears going on. That woman needs therapy because her teeny bopper shit isnt going to get her much further.. I watched the 60 minutes retrospective on Mike Wallace tonight and folks, he is a great man. Antagonizing his interview subjects until they explode for all to see.. I havent heard anything about Katie and whack job Tom, guess I'll wait until he jumps on another couch before the wedding.. President Chaney hasnt shot anyone that I know of but Mary's little bullshit interview was a waste of my oxygen..

Little Debbie is a racket. Those brownies you know damn well are marked up and dont last too long. Hey, can I get an Enron investigation on that?

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

Remove Item? Y or N? Confirm ...

2006-05-18T01:46:00.000-05:00

American Idol. Another fine example of the shit America is preoccupied with. I like the premise of the show in the fact that it gives people a chance for exposure but maybe due to Chris' departure, I'm tired of the hype. Straight up, now tell me why is Paula Abdul out from under her rock? And why is Randy obsessed with this dawg pound thing? I kinda dig Simon's cruel certainty though..

Rant: I tried to pay a couple of bills this morning but did not have the website logins. No problem, I'll just call... It takes an act of congress to pay a bill kids. An account number and form of payment used to be sufficient but oh no, today you need social security numbers, passwords, secret codes and shoe sizes.. I informed Joy (conspicuous name?) that I had the account number and check but no social security number, suddenly I was unauthorized to make a payment. This is taking place at 6am folks.. Next comes the lecture of what is due and for how much and when. "Joy" is now becoming a pain in my ass.. 15 minutes and two people later I pay the freakin bill.. tragic.

Glutton for punishment, I went to the grocery store. They have this little wall display with nifty scanning guns just like the checkout lines. I had to play with this!! Swiped my little card, unlocked the gun and headed on over to assault the produce. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Man, that was a blast.. I honestly have no idea why I came out $22 ahead of what it said, but yall gotta try this.

We hit 99 degrees here at the park today.. I'm lovin it.

You might live in a trailer park if:
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

HOT POCKET!

2006-05-16T00:47:00.000-05:00

That new Hot Pocket biscuit commercial scares the piss out of me.Have you seen the little biscuit jumpin in the microwave with mr. bacon and egg? The poor little cheese slice man is bringin up the rear when they almost slam the door on him. I guess it's ok because egg, bacon and biscuit get theirs in the end..

Our Tuesday Three -
List three things you do that tend to irritate those around you:
1) Obsessively cleaning and moving items
2) Tapping my brakes thru stop signs
3) TAHTS!

List three things those around you tend to do that irritates you:
1) See past blog entries
2) See past blog entries
3) See past blog entries

If you could ask one question each to any three people, living or dead, who would the three people be and what question would you ask each one? Assume the answer would be 100% true.
1) Dear God, Who killed JFK and where is Jimmy Hoffa?
2) Dear Grandma, Have they got Dr. Pepper and smokes up there?
3) Dear Ed McMahan, Where the hell is my money??

You might live in a trailer park if:
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

Random Ramblings

2006-05-13T01:41:00.000-05:00

It's almost Mother's Day dear readers.. I'm not a fan of holidays with the overblown Hallmark bullshit but take a moment and make a call to your Mom. Life is too short.

So I had this dream tonight about Carnies. You know, scuzzy lil carnival workers with 3 legs or a 4th eye.. The tilt-a-wirl guy was trying to tilt my whirl and it was disturbing folks. I went to pop balloons with darts instead..

We lost our Dish Network for a while. See, we were on one of those "special plans" but the card blew and we're SOL.. The welfare TV sucks down here and 3 channels arent that entertaining. Oh, the trials of life.

I need a vacation. Nothing extravagant. Maybe a little sun on a beach and unlimited tropical drinks in a coconut.. with the paper umbrella. That my friends is the Margaritaville touch! Exotic foods besides the latest introduction at Taco Bell. Key West, Cape Cod, or some secret Mexican island hideaway..
But until then I'll just keep looking for the latest amusement out on the trailer porch.

I hate mortgage companies. See my house has been on the market for a while and most of you know the story. I've had a great offer for over a month but the Mortgage company is less than cooperative. All I need is an ok and its a done deal. Do you see a problem here? Negative..

Ok, this is Soapy Papoose signing off. (Smile to Megan. I miss you)

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

A New Park Feature!

2006-05-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

Always eager to enhance the park, we have a new feature here called Tuesday Three.. This first week I'll add two of them.
Add your own answers on the comment page!

List three "simple things" that make you really happy:
1) My boys leading the AL East
2) Seeing Von soon
3) Being a Texan again

List three things that make you really sad:
1) Losing someone
2) Gas prices
3) Not working

If you could go back in time and tell the 12 year-old you three things, they would be:
1) Respect those you love more, you dont know how long you have
2) Chrissie Hynde really isnt THAT hott
3) Theres gonna be this really cool thing called an internet

List three things you learned from your mother:
1) She will come back if you sit in a grocery store long enough
2) Never feed a horse alone
3) When in doubt, put a garbage bag over the window

List three things you'd like to do before you die:
1) See a game in every ballpark then tour Cooperstown
2) Skydive/ bridge jump again
3) Ambition is overrated

List three people who have helped influence who you are today:
There are too many to list but special shoutout to GRANDMA!

You might live in a trailer park if:
You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

2006-04-16T18:04:00.000-05:00

Whew, it's a scorcher out today at the Trailer Park! I think we are at 94 degrees and climbing. They are saying maybe topping a 100 before the week is out. I loves me some hot weather here folks! So I am sunning on the back porch of the trailer when suddenly I ponder the toys of my youth. Perhaps it was a reflection of the good old days or possible heat stroke. Either way I don't care but it brought on memories.

I know you older crowd (of which names I will withhold. Von.) will laugh at my examples but (say it with me!) My blog. Your problem.

Remember parachute men? You'd scrounge a few dimes for the toy machine at Winn-Dixie and after 6 or 7 tries up came the parachute man. A cheap plastic Army issue little man with a saran wrap parachute. For a moment of joy, you could launch him up on a mission to watch him kamikaze downward into enemy territory. Granted these things lasted about as long as those rubber sticky spiders crawling down a wall but they were amusing. There were no lasers, no buttons, dials or anything resembling a cell phone. Just plain imagination and a few trips up the tree or on the roof to fish Joe out of his POW camp. Tragic.

Rubber sticky spiders could also be found in the bubble machine. Now these were ingenious and provided hours of entertainment. You'd chuck them up as high on the wall as possible and they would slowly creep downward until you could jump and start all over again. Sometimes they turned up in Mom's underwear drawer or under the door handles but the magic was you simply washed them off and they were off to another destination. Tragic.

Light Brite. Every kid wished for one of these at Christmas. Well maybe not, but I did get one at some point and it held my attention for a week or so. Genuine joy while watching my Mom step on the pegs and yelling obscenities all while laughing my deranged head off. The true bonus though was in terrorizing my little sister. Yes friends, she would go to sleep at night only to discover a little message in the morning.. "Jessica, we miss you.." Faaarek out! It was probably tied into the fact that I told her we bought her off a pack of traveling gypsies. Another story for another day. Tragic.

Some of you ask why I am such a hermit. I think a Christmas or birthday or maybe even a "she'll shuddup if we buy this" moment, I got a plastic chimpmonk camping tent. I pitched that tent in my bedroom with the flaps closed and according to first hand accounts of the relatives, I rarely came out. Dressed in full coat and toboggan, I happily accepted my dinner which could only be slid under the bottom of the tent. After all, I was roughing it in the great indoors and to this day have no idea what I did all that time.

Glow Worm. This was actually my sister's beloved treasure of her life when she was 4 or 5. Man, the ransoms she would pay for that worm.. cookies, money, distractions of the parentals. But the best memory was when we had this trundle bed thing. I would lean up to her bed and put it next to her face at 2am, lighting it's guts up and scaring the living shit right out of her. I still smile real big to this day and miss that little worm.

Ok, so I saved the best for last. This really wasn't a toy but it is quite the treat looking back years later. I had a big obsession with Wrestling at one point. Not the hype crap of today but the old school, Von Erichs and Andre the Giant. So every weekend I would go to my Grandmas apartment where the current weeks newspaper wrestler poster awaited my arrival. I ran for the poster and was off to my secret laboratory - her walk in closet. Grandma had ever so accommodatingly laid out my scissors, posterboard, markers and superglue. I would smile so gleefully and kick her out so that I could get to work! I cant remember what I did with these things but it took hours .. and LOTS of superglue. An 8 year old back then really didn't have the concept of getting high but I know I spent hours in that closet breathing toxic fumes.

Grandma, I love you.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

It's Deal or Dud Time Again!

2006-04-14T12:24:00.000-05:00

Well faithful park fans.. the time is upon us for "Deal or Dud?"

Last nights showcase was the Mr. Clean shower cleaner.. You've seen it on TV, the little machine spraying effortlessly, thus saving you from ever having to clean your shower again! I've has a theory on this little gadget for quite some time.. 1) I don't care how much you anchor it down, someone is bound to knock it off when they are showering half asleep at 4am. 2) This thing does not go to the top of your shower. So when its spraying around I'm thinking hmmm half a clean shower?

Back to our ever faithful "Deal or Dud?".. Of course they find the most hopeless family to try this one out on. One Dad and four boys ages 6-15.. (Yeah, the shower looked about what you are imagining right now..) So Dad tries the thing for 14 days and would you believe he is impressed?? They named it a Deal but I'm thinking any cleaner with those four would make some kind of difference..

On another note, my Dad & I went to a baseball game of TX Rangers vs. Red Sox. It's been a good 12 or 13 yrs since we went to a game together and we had a great time. As you all know, I live and breathe baseball and it's been a long haul since last October!

Lets talk about Easter.. Now I wont get into my opinions cause people get sort of pissed about it all. But it has become like everything else a commercial holiday. No more Jesus rollin the stone or crappy bread, just Easter baskets with ninja suits and numchucks.. My sister has decided to head to Mexico with the new relations for the weekend. So in keeping with the theme of anti-Easter, my mom has decided we are bypassing the Easter eggs and grilling fajitas instead. I dunno where she comes up with this stuff but it does sound tasty.

I have a few more rants but will save them for another day. It's a marketing strategy really, yall keep comin back. heh heh..

You might live in a trailer park if:
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Divine Intervention

2006-04-08T23:51:00.000-05:00

Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps

2006-03-15T19:08:00.000-06:00

Lettuce - Any of various plants of the genus Lactuca, especially L. sativa, cultivated for their edible leaves.

So I'm driving this morning listening to talk radio. I despise talk radio but my Mom is convinced that I ruin her daily commute, therefore justifying this crap. No, she cant do this by listening to a station with music because apparently only Rush Limbaugh gives a traffic report. Talk about wanting to roll out the door at 80mph.. Anyway, back to the news and traffic report.. Yall may have heard the hoopla over the movie remake of "Dallas". This my friends is going to be a disaster but anyway, the debate is over whether to film in Dallas or somewhere else.. I vote for Dallas being that ole Southfork is still drawing in a million little blue haired visitors a year BUT ok ok here is where I'm going... So everyone is giving their two cents plus three more and apparently the Dallas Homeless Neighborhood Association is anti movie... Read it again kids.. Homeless Neighborhood Association. What the hell is this and where are the meetings? Association fees consisting of a bottle of Ripple and sharing your abandoned car for a night? And I reckon it's a non-profit thing being streetbums and all... That right there is a flashy title!

I am going to do something that I rarely do.. America annoys me with bitching about loosing weight. I hate to admit that I am joining in but I'm going back on the wagon folks. I'm just not liking myself lately and time to change strategies. Oh, how we are a society that likes to run with scissors..

I have been informed that I use the F word too much. Tragic.

You might live in a trailer park if:

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive in theatre.

Reality Is a Crutch For People Who Can't Handle Drugs

2006-03-13T10:55:00.000-06:00

This here is our newest park resident, Jolene and her pet Fluffy. Yall all give Jolene a big howdy to the Park!

It seems that my mother has discovered the joys of Ebay. God Help us all. Yes friends, she proceeded to sit and watch a four hour infomercial on Welfare TV all about the magical wonders of Ebay and has been pricing everything in the house. Not that we have too much of serious value but I've been looking real hard for the Virgin Mary to show up in the kitchen floor tiles or something. She goes for some big bucks from time to time. Maybe she will show up in time for Easter.

Speaking of Church.. I stopped by the local Baptist establishment yesterday! On a Sunday even! Ok, so I was just turning around in their parking lot but I technically showed up regardless.. I drove all over hell's half acre this morning doing errands. What is it with every place not opening for another 45 minutes after I get there?? Conspiracy. Well shit, I said hell after the Church thing.. Mary, please show up. I'm very sorry and promise to turn around in the Church parking lot more often....

Daddy Update: Daddy has been working on his homestead because the city is all over him. Hmmm wonder why?? So he bought this siding off the side of the road only to find out he didnt buy enough. Would you believe that the illegal siding operation has disbanded?? Poor Daddy, dollar late and day short.. Have I told you that he also bought a new ride? Have no fear, the camper is still rolling down the road short of a muffler and antifreeze but Daddy has made a big purchase.. Somewhere along the way he picked up a Mitsubishi Mirage. A clown car. Daddy, good luck getting in it and I'm sure it will purrr like a piece of shit after you buy that $3400 transmission.... I'm still looking for that long lost love child on this earth somewhere. I was not meant to do this alone!

Sopranos started last night but no HBO in these parts. Tragic.

So I was listening to the radio while waiting 45 minutes for Sprint to open.. I think it was in Indiana that a guy walked into a bank fully dressed in a clown suit. Yup, shoes, wig, red nose, the whole get up. He was arrested but I assume the get away car drove off with the 14 accomplices.. Ha ha.. get it? Nevermind.

I always wanted to drive one of them Shiner go-karts too.
Wear the little bucket hat with the dangly thing. Tragic.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper high-quality entertainment.

2006-03-09T20:17:00.000-06:00

Ever been misunderstood, misused, or mislead?

Ever knocked on the sky and had it fall on your head?

Ever lost your luggage, your marbles, your house?

Or found yourself in bed with Uncle Sam or Mickey Mouse?

Where There's a Will...I Want To Be On It.

2006-03-01T13:55:00.000-06:00

Trans fat. It's a big, scary fat that going to kill us all.. Well you know what? I havent run across it yet. Why the hell are we looking for this stuff when it supposedly does not exist?
Bread, no trans fat!
Cookies, no trans fat!
15 pound tub of lard, no trans fat!
I'm sick of hearing all this crap about what can kill ya. Those annoying news segments about "#2 pencil lead.. what you need to know.." or "see the hidden dangers behind Aquanet at 10pm!" Bogus. Lets use a little common sense. Cigarettes are a given to kill but we do them anyway. Drinking is a given to kill if you keep at it long enough but we do it anyway. A crack pipe will do it for sure.. But do we care about the important things? No.
We care about #2 pencils, hairspray and a bogus trans fat.
It's the American way I reckon - live now and die later.

Well back to my less than favorite commercials. Not only do we have Mr Viagra Man takes the little lady to the beach.. now we have a cartoon version of the poor schmo wandering around aimlessly until he sees his cartoon doctor then to get better and jump in the arms of his cartoon wife. Yeah, youre right. There are more important things to worry about and yes I could flip the channel but it amazes me the know how of American Marketing.

Everybody say heyyyyyyyy to GAM!
She has a commercial hang up also folks.. Are you ever watching TV when the show stops and the commercials kick in only to be 15 times louder than the show? Drives Gam up a tree kids. You should really see her dive for the remote at that hinting pause of broadcast interruption!

I'm rolling down the road the other day when I see a state marker sign saying "museum".
Not what kind of museum.. not whos in it.. but only "museum".
Being the geek that I am I think to myself, "Self, maybe we should stop by sometime and chk it out..".. Mind you this is out here in the country folks and this here "museum" consists of about 14 tractors and 3 barns that I can see.. Sorta creepy junkyard/ Stephen King setting which of course further entices my lack of common sense.. I did see some sort of other sign about it being a "house moving museum" and after checking to make sure my premiums are current, I'm gonna stop by to pet Cujo...

Well this year is a sailin away and we're into March already kids. Life is a ticking time bomb, aint it?

Being that Easter is on its way, I wanted to update yall on a couple of Trailer Park festivities we'll be havin down at the local community center. We're shootin for early April which will of course depend on the local Penitentiary holiday visitin schedules..
It'll be a whole mess of events includin a cake judgin, egg dyin and tire throwin contests, jello wrestlin. Plenty of Schlitz beer and roasted peeps for everyone!
More details to follow.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

Change is Inevitable, Except From a Vending Machine

2006-02-28T23:54:00.000-06:00

We have all had those moments of being on the verge of broke and forced to pay $14.00 in pennies. You know cmon.. sometimes you try to be discreet and roll them up, others you haul in the heavy duty zip and plunk it down. Amazing where spare change can be found if one looks hard enough! .. So you may ask yourself, Self, where is Renny going on this?
I went to the Stop and Go tonight for one friggin item and there were 6 ppl ahead of me. A gas station folks. This is not spending your day in Walmart.. Looking to see what the problem is I discover a grown man asking how much this is.. and that.. what if he buys two bags of Cheetos instead of one.. What kind of beer is on sale.. No, he doesnt drink that kind, do they have anything else? Wait he has a coupon.... He then unloads that half a Federal Mint of change on the counter.. Yup, we're up to 9 ppl in line now as he counts one..two.. fifteen.. twenty-three.. The rest of us finally get our stuff while schmo still totals off to the side.
And btw... he walked out with two chick-o-sticks, market value I'm guessing 15 cents.

While there I noticed this stuff called "Chaser". Some magical pill for hangovers with the marketing tactic "no carbs!".. No carbs? Are carbs really a concern after a night of downing 16 beers loaded with them? Waste of money kids. Stick with the Gatorade, cures it everytime.

Well for those of you that I havent updated, my little sister's wedding was two weekends ago. Everyone says the typical "oh how beautiful, cake was purdy, bride was stunning" and all that other shit but the main attraction was my nephew, Spawn. Apparently he wrecked the holy production by throwing himself down the stairs behind the preacher man and capping it off by picking his nose to high heaven... all while looking dashing in his midget tuxedo and not a hair out of place.
Spawn, Unkie Ren loves you and owes you a trip to Toys-R-Us real soon.

I'm not cocky. I just have faith.

Locking up the trailer for the night kids. Got me some pennies to roll before that big Dollar Tree excursion tomorrow.

You might live in a trailer park if:
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

Grasshoppers

2006-02-27T00:00:00.000-06:00

Have you ever felt a big change coming yet are afraid to breathe too hard? Thats kind of where I am at right now. Tired of being a nomad. Tired of fighting for everything yet getting no where. Just tired.

Sat for a while and watched the stars tonight in the clear sky..
The little things are beautiful.

- Jeannine, I miss you.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your Momma has ammo on her Christmas list.

Eagles May Soar, but Weasels Don't Get Sucked Into Jet Engines

2006-02-17T03:16:00.000-06:00

Everyboday say heyyyyy to SNOOP once again!
I'm not sure where she comes up with this stuff folks.. Tonight we discussed her theory of ramen noodles.

Yes friends, apparently ramen noodles cause some sort of brain damage.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your dvd player is louder than the movie.

sometimes its the little things..

2006-02-12T22:35:00.000-06:00

Have you ever gotten so bogged down that you lose your inner self?
I felt myself smile this weekend.

Thank you Jeannine.

------------------------

Dont Make Me Go Medieval On You...

2006-02-09T23:34:00.000-06:00

Yankee Alert: School Zones. I get the same blank stare on this. Perhaps I should take special interest with the daily mullet convention down the street but here is my rant.. Yankees have school zone signs that say "School Zone. 20mph when children are present." .. When children are present? No time frame, no specification of how many, just when present. Does this apply in the case of two loners at 4:30 or am I looking for some kind of head count here? What about Saturday school? ..
See downward in logic country, we have these signs specifying times (i.e. 7-8am & 3-4pm) and also blinking lights. The kids have a safer route and there is no guesswork as to when you will receive a $300 ticket.

They say you shouldnt talk religion or politics. My blog. Your problem.
The Cowboy today released a listing of "potential threats" that have been thwarted in the name of Homeland Security. A top ten list of suspected airline bombings all over the country out to get us. To President Chaney's credit, I have no doubt these are true. My irk is over the timing of this here release. Anyone hear about those wiretapping troubles lately? Everyone in an uproar because they want to track our every action, J Edgar Hoover style?
I'm glad they let us know what was going on (for once) but the timing leaves questions in my mind. In defense of my mom though, I suppose I would have some stupid theory of defense if my guy were still in office.. (Mom, you can quit nodding your head now.)

In all seriousness there has been something on my mind today.
Please give a HUGE shoutout to the anonymous woman on the news yesterday morning. She was sound asleep when she heard glass break downstairs, called the police and set off with loaded gun to investigate. Saw a man in the kitchen and fired two shots which sent him running into the living room.. Her infant and teenage brother were sleeping in the living room folks. The intruder grabbed her brother,the woman held her gun steady and the police pulled up just as she was about to check him out. My point being is that this is a brave woman friends. A devoted mother who could have chosen to wait for the police but instead put her family above her own life.
We could all use a reality check off of that.

And btw, she bought the gun last year after her brother was murdered in the streets. Some lessons are hard learned but sometimes that knowledge pays off? ....

You might live in a trailer park if:
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

2006-02-09T10:20:00.000-06:00

1 pb&j sammich on white bread with the crusts cut off, 50 cents.
1 bag of Aldi (s) chips, 10 cents.
1 moonpie, 15 cents.

Renny taking the same lunch her entire life..... priceless.

And As a Special Bonus..

2006-02-09T00:16:00.000-06:00

The Trailer Park has reached our 20th post! Ty for all of your support, admiration and bomb threats gentle readers. The moon pies and RC remain in great supply so please continue stopping by!

I was talking with my Mom tonight which partially inspired tonight's entry. Mom is a big fan of a news segment titled "Deal or Dud" and was anxiously awaiting evaluation of the "Pasta Express". Now I havent seen this one but she describes it as a long Tupperware tube like thing in which you can cook spaghetti, vegetables in a flash and even fresh hotdogs in about 15 minutes. The end result of "Deal or Dud" will be at the end of the entry..... (Dont you hate cliff hangers?)

Now I dont want her to think she is being shorted a shout out.
- Everybody say heyyyyyyyyy to MOM! -
This infomercial fixation must run in the genes. Here are Mom's top 3..

1) Pasta Express. Yall simmer down, we will reveal the findings.
2) That blender that "blends everything perfectly, every time!"
These are a creative bunch folks. They put anything in there! Vegetables, juices, turnip chunks, croutons.. Mom seems to think this the perfect gift for that special loved one who requires pureed food. An entire 6 course meal in under 30 seconds.
3) The real estate twin millionaire midgets.
Yes, I am aware that midgets prefer to be called "little people". This is my blog, my midgets.. Anyhow, you too can be a millionaire in less than 15 days and these little guys are a perfect example. Sitting in their Hawaiian shirts and Panama Jack hats sipping frozen daiquiris while peddling the program for an introductory price of $69.95. Even talking in unison and finishing each other's sentences in that cute Munchkin land monotone.
- Mom, that rotisserie accommodating a 16lb turkey may just come true this Christmas.

Now this got my wheels a turning toward my top 3...
1) That new omelet flipper.
Now I'm not talking about that horrible saucer shaped mistake of the past folks. This is a square pan that you pour your eggs in and put your stuffin down the middle. Here is where the magic comes in.. You press a button to fold one side and again for the other side. Perfect omelets everytime and also great for blintzes and crepes!
2) Battery Operated Cutting Knife,
Anyone seen this one? There is Chef Aussie complete with accent slicing thru tomatos, potatos and most amazing of all, angel food cake! Angel food cake folks! The concept of this thing is the two blades that saw back and forth with precision. Pretty nifty concept but it's basically an electric carving knife with smaller blades to clean.
3) The Magic Bullet Chopper.
My favorite of all and perhaps only because of the name. For those of you unfamiliar with the alternative product, this is also the title for a mutispeed/ multipurpose vibrator. Somehow it doesnt seem so appealing when you put the two concepts together. I dont need a chopping vibrator.. Although the chopper can make instant salsas, guacamole or whatever concoction you can dream up.
Whipped cream anyone? heh heh...

And now for tonights "Deal or Dud"!
The Pasta Express earned a $20 dud. Perhaps because you need only 5 minutes on a stove to boil hotdogs? Save your money folks, you'll need it until you too become a midget millionaire.

You might live in a trailer park if:
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

Meanwhile, Back At the Ranch...

2006-02-08T09:41:00.000-06:00

Falling asleep at the wheel again baby. Youre drifting over the line..

Let's recap my day thus far...

I had a disturbing dream kids.. Consisted of going to the gas station for coffee several times a day and pouring those little creamer cups in my coffee for 30 minutes.. Fyi, I dont drink creamer. This scenario kept playing over and over similar to the movie "Groundhog Day". I dunno folks.

Driving to work in this city is similar to driving Nascar. Avoiding cars doing 3 lane sweeps to make a turn lane, trucks going 30 mph in a 45 and of course those telephone company guys who are working in the middle of a street with no signs posted. Can I get a warning before slamming my brakes at 40mph??
Computer systems are down - 3 for 3 this week. Please refer to Monday's entry - I dont appreciate making 4 pots of coffee only to find them empty again. May just have to head to that gas station after all.. Do not transfer a client to me without me knowing who it is or whether they speak English. Btw, your name comes up on my caller ID. I know who you are.

Everybody say heyyyyy to BROKEN CUP GIRL!
She has a few issues that she wishes to address.
1) Stall Stalkers. You know, the ppl who chose to shack up in the bathroom stall directly next to you when nine others are available. Negative.
2) Potlucks. Do not volunteer to bring napkins so that you have the right to graze all day.
3) Drug Testing. They donÂt test for things that would matter like cocaine and crack that would make you act stupid crazy or steal. But they will test for marijuana which can show up in your system a month after you did it. The worst that could happen there is that you would attack a box of cookies.

You might live in a trailer park if:
People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.

The Open Chicken: Open 24 Hours

2006-02-07T21:23:00.000-06:00

Wanna see my picture on the cover
Wanna buy five copies for my Mother
Wanna see my smiling face on the cover of the Rolling Stone!

Well the inevitable has happened.
My blog is "too mean" and I "bitch too much".
.. then quit reading it.

Park Update: The Mazda is still in the yard now along side a Chrysler.

Yankee Alert: I do owe the residents of Illinois an apology. It seems that I was wrong about the name of a convenience store.
The store name is "White Hen" not "Open Chicken".

For those of you who dont know how much I hate to shop, you may find this amusing. I opened a can of soup this evening to find out that it expired last year. Canned goods have a shelf life of 2-3 years folks. I guess I have to actually go shopping at a real grocery store. 7-11 cant handle the volume. uggggh!

So I took my non-relationship girl to dinner last night and all of a sudden NRG and I just looked at each other because we couldnt believe what our ears were hearing. We both laughed because obviously we were n-synch. And I dont mean in a boy band way folks... Our attention is on the table behind us we couldnt believe what we were hearing. The table behind us is a family of 6 mom, dad, and 4 brats..uh.. I mean children. The rug rats were little... thinking 4 and under. There are these game cards on the table with words on them.
Dad: the word for the day is VELOCITY. Do you know what Velocity means?
He's asking a two year old folks.. The rug rat couldnt even say the word and he wants to know if she knew what it meant. So now NRG and I are having our thoughts on this. like.. Why are they rushing these kids? What is the GD hurry!!! NRG suggested teaching them how to spell CRAYOLA and I suggested shoving it up her ass.. See where this is going folks? They spent the whole time schooling these kids with words I can't even pronounce!! So sad.
So back to the 500 ways to make a pizza thing, what is up with that?? Next thing you know theyre going to make a no crust pizza and just give you a plate of sauce cheese and toppings. The pizza you can eat with a spoon!!! I have to say though, that cheese bites I think they call it was just OK. Nothing spectacular. It was interesting but not something I can't live without.
Give me a real slice you have to fold in half to eat and then we can talk turkey.
Non-relationship girl rocks my world!! btw.....

You might live in a trailer park if:
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Mayday.. Mayday....

2006-02-06T08:25:00.000-06:00

I get here to work 10 minutes early only to find out that our systems are down. Tragic. I could have slept in. I dunno how many of you work in an office but coffee is a precious commodity here. We have 8 super brew pot things and never a drop in sight. This makes me very angry.
Yankee Alert: If youre going to kill the pot then have the decency to make another one. It's simple really. Open the little packet, put it in a filter and punch a button.

I was bummed to learn of Al Lewis' death.
Grandpa Munster we will miss you.

Park Update: The black mustang has been moved! Now a beige Mazda 626 has taken its place. Amazing the logic behind this folks..

Superbowl sucked. Surfed back and forth until I stumbled upon halftime. I dont know who picks this shit but it is highly over rated. Mick Jagger makes me nervous. All his runnin back and forth, forth and back, jumpin and forgetting to sing half the words.. Now the hoopla over censoring two songs? 1) You cant make out anything that he says anyway. 2)This isnt a Janet Jackson Scandal - these are lyrics that we've all grown up on for the last 40 years. Get over it.

Yall recall the lady with the face transplant? Everybody is having a royal fit because she has taken up smoking again against the doctors orders. News flash: She had her friggin face mauled off people. I gotta defend her on this. Lay off.

Coupons. Racket. So you are curled up in your bathrobe on a Sunday morning picking thru the paper when you stumble upon those familiar coupon booklets.. 35 cents off 6 boxes of cereal! buy 8 and get your free package of personalized post it notes! Negative. Unless you are running a Russian orphanage this really doesnt make a whole lot of sense.. But I reckon its up to you. Just dont make me wait for 20 minutes while you try to pass off the expired ones.

- 1 month until MLB spring training, 2 until opening days.
It has been a long haul since October!

You might live in a trailer park if:
You take a load to the city dump and bring back more than you took.

Rollin' Like a Celebrataaayy!

2006-02-03T03:47:00.000-06:00

Ever catch a snippet of conversation so random that it makes you burst out in uncontrollable laughter?

poopy nugget.

Everyone please say heyyyyyyy to TARRI once again! Tonight was her finest hour thus far friends. Kareoke in full effect. This nights lineup was a tantalizing rendition of "I'm in love with a stripper" and ending in a sing along of David Lee Roth's "Just a gigolo".. why you ask? because... sheeeeee aint got noooo bodayyyyy.
Tarri, we love you woman.

Everyone please say heyyyyyyyyy to our newest addition, CAMILLE!
You have more than earned your shout out this evening ma'am. Please note that any further "intimate" inquiries shall be directed toward your daughter. I look forward to seeing you more around the park but am also in fear as to what may appear on my comment boards.
And by the way...
"Southern Brooklyn" dont rightfully qualify as "Southern".
Although.. your daughter seems to know a thing or two about moon pies.

Shout out to JEANNINE! Tarri hooked you up with a new ride.
So drive it like you stole it!

(Shakes head...) I cant handle anymore tonight folks..

You might live in a trailer park if:
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Just Sitting Here Watching the Wheels Go 'Round and 'Round..

2006-02-01T20:44:00.000-06:00

Trailer Park Update: The black mustang has received a 48 hour notice to vacate but I'm not counting anything until it happens. Details to follow as they progress.

Ever have one of those days at work watching the clock and praying for that magical moment that you can bail? Tragic.

Yankee alert: The phrase "six of one, half dozen of the other".
Lived here almost 7 yrs and still dont understand that thing.

This has been irking me all day.. Why do people herd around doors? Standing like a brick 2 inches from the door copping a glare when I want to get by. I'll happily vacate your personal space if I can get around you idiot. Same goes for elevators. Common sense is to let people get out before more pile in.. Parking spaces. There are two lines - one for either side of your car. Granted there are occasions when I park like an idiot too but try my best not to make it a common occurrence. Shout out to the same red Toyota who parks 3 inches from my driver's door every day. You make me very angry..

What has happened to hamburger helper? The one time I go high flalootin and I get a shotty box. I knew something wasnt right when I needed 4 1/2 cups of liquid. Going back to the Aldi (s) knock off - mighty tasty and dependable every time!

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out

2006-01-31T22:06:00.000-06:00

Everybody say heyyyyy to TAGGS! My favorite Canadian Sasquatch Friend! Taggs has taught me much about Canadian geography. We ran thru the provinces, islands and regulations of border crossings. I can now take that road trip to the museum of hell and visit the slums of Quebec where Celine Dion's 34 brothers and sisters still reside.. Taggs would like to address a growing problem up there. It seems that she has grown irritated with older men who can afford midlife crisis cars but young hotties being forced into poverty and cruising in beaters.. I dunno folks, but I did promise a shout out.

Code enforcement. Conspiracy. You may recall the black mustang that has been sitting next to my trailer for the last 7 months? See folks here is the problem. It is not on my property line. Looking at the trailer lot it would appear so, but is not. Fine folks of code enforcement are forever threatening me with violations and fines yet the car still sits.. Trailer eviction or not I had enough today. I retrieved my lot survey and promptly told him to tow the thing or shove off. Not my problem.

Weddings. You find the love of your life and decide to take the plunge.. Racket. Why are these things so complicated? Location, reception, feeding 5 million people, colors, attire, invitations, showers and the list goes on. Is this the way to really start "forever after"? I say stressing out on the brink of divorce before you get the show the road isnt a good theory kids..
Allow me to ponder my own "dream wedding" for a moment..
Attire: jeans and tshirts required, shoes optional.
Location: I'm not paying money for it.
Invitations: mass email.
Food: Cotton candy.

Lil Sis, I told you to elope.

State of the seriously screwed union. I enjoy every minute of the pre-festivities. The schmoozing, hollerin about whos coming in the door and seatin of the little lady up in the balcony. But I took a new approach to mini me's song and dance this year - I watched the entire thing on mute. Really no different from watching with sound because his lips move and say nothing regardless. (waives to my mom.. get your own blog..) President Chaney was looking mighty fine as always.. Keeping in theme with the evening I have re-vamped the pledge as follows:
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the USA and every other nation that my tax dollars support.
One nation under God (I believe this has already been thrown out?)
Indivisible, unless you are a democrat/ republican.
With liberty and justice for all, unless you are a homo

Time to make that pb&j for another day another buck.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You own a homemade fur coat.

Do Not Play Leap Frog With A Unicorn.

2006-01-30T23:30:00.000-06:00

Think about it. It's true.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Renny, Phone Home...

2006-01-30T03:43:00.000-06:00

So I got these lines on my forehead. Mind you that I never noticed them until recently. I know what youre thinkin but they dont appear to be wrinkles. Two of them across the right side. Went thru some old pictures trying to pinpoint when these things cropped up but no dice.

Mom, if youre reading this I need you to be honest. Did you drop me on my head at some point? It's ok seriously.. I will still love you even though I look like ET. Please Mom, stop the uncertainty or I will be forced to share with everyone how I almost died in that horse barrel. Ah, you perked up now huh? Spill it, I know that you know something..

Next Christmas I would like a new hoodie and Schwinn to ride off into the night sky...

You might live in a trailer park if:
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage

2006-01-29T20:32:00.000-06:00

TV reruns are nice if you happen to miss one here and there.
Why are they always the ones that I HAVE seen??

Had a nice, quiet weekend in the trailer and now waiting on the next netflix disk! You left your Coldstone honey :(

Did you know that most Italian last names end in a vowel?
Amazing the knowledge that I acquire.

So I'm trying to open a dvd case.. I'm sick of this childproof crap. I get the important things like antifreeze and medication but cmon, a dvd case? Is a kid going to chew on a disc until they bleed?.. Get pissed at me if you want but parents need to be watching these kids. How about some child locks on cabinet doors? Gun lock on the piece in the nightstand? Draino on the top shelf of the closet? We hear this sad stuff on the news every day, yet priority is saving a child from gnawing on a movie. Don't get it.

Freddie Phelps and his flying monkeys are off the leash and out of Kansas again. Criss-crossing the country to picket at military funerals. Fred, leave these folks alone and come back to the queers. We are used to your bullshit.

War sucks. You know what side I'm on but lets put that aside. Apparently a news reporter was in an attack and evac'd out to Germany. Keep in mind he is still alive and gonna make it.. The evening news is making a holy production out of this guy's "horrific tragedy". Showing him "transported in a military plane similar to a flying operating room".. Guess what folks? Job hazard. I don't see them spending 28 of a 30 minute broadcast on our troops that are dying every day. Troops. The ppl who serve because they were ordered. They dont have the option of leaving a 5th avenue studio.
This is my blog so suck it up.

Locking up the trailer for the night.
Pb&j packed for another day and another buck.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever been arrested for loitering.

Blondes Tease....Brunettes Please....

2006-01-26T23:11:00.000-06:00

Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy

I have promised a few ppl shout outs from the trailer park -

Everybody say haaayyyyyyy to SNOOP!
She wishes to address a serious issue concerning toothpaste consumption. Snoop finds it imperative that one squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube. Usage of mid tube is an illegal move and violators will be prosecuted. Please note, however, that it is permissible to brush your teeth in the shower as long as tube regulations are met and you also spit directly into the drain.

Everybody say haaayyyyyyy to TERRI!
Terri is a heck of a woman folks. She works down at the Local IHOP store 2673. Terri is a devoted waitress who not only does she dance, sing and keeps the coffee coming, she also has taught me much about IHOP practices. They cater to blind folks and it's all about the 4,4,4,4 and 30 baby! .. Terri, I told ya I would make u a sulebreetee!

Everybody say haaayyyyyyy to VON AND KAREN!
No reason, I just want to see if they read this.

I apologize for the boring entries here at the park lately. I seem to be quite rantless. Yes, I know what you are thinking because I am confused too. This passive thing really doesnt work for me.. Well I do have a rant actually but think it better not to unleash here. Lets just say that I need to win the lottery.. and soon.. Shout out to the yankee who is making my days on this earth less than desirable.
Be nice. Society already sucks.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Random Observations

2006-01-25T01:22:00.000-06:00

I am not an optimist. Never have been and dont plan to be. Some say its a bad thing but I prefer to think of it more as disappointment damage control.
Random declaration.

After a long and exhaustive search it has been declared that Billie Meyers sang the song "Kiss the Rain". I'm relieved that the uncertainty is over.

Deceptive Marketing. Clever yet annoying. "2 for $3.00" is still a buck and a half. And the way they tag .99 cents onto everything? 1.99, 24.99, 99.99 .. Add a cent and realize that you are actually paying the next dollar - it's simple really yet we all think it's a bargain.. Gas. $2.46 when paying with cash but 3 cents more if using credit. Racket. Store cards irritate me. Why am I required to carry a card for 15 different stores? Yet another way to track my every purchase and movement. Conspiracy. I await that day that Homeland Security will inquire as to my Piggly Wiggly purchases. Think about it.

I dont like cats. Yes, hate me and wish me dead because I just dont like them.. Which brings me to a most bizarre experience this evening. A cat leapt from the floor directly to my shoulder and sat like a friggin parrot. I was confused. I dont like cats.

2 months until MLB spring training. 3 until opening days.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Youve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

What's Wrong With The World Momma?

2006-01-20T02:00:00.000-06:00

What the hell has happened to clothing these days? We all make the world go round and I'm all for individuality but lets set a few ground rules, shall we? 1) If you got it, flaunt it. Reality is that some are gifted and others are shafted. 2) If you fall into the latter (as I do) lets make an attempt. Please allow me to address us #2 folks.. First up will be these low rider pants.. Seeing your thong hanging out 4 inches above your "waist" line is not sexy. Refer to #2 above and please re-read that portion if so applicable. Tight "baby-doll" shirts. Negative. I understand the need to feel "girly" and sexy etc but anything with the consistency of spandex (especially if knitted cotton) is a serious offense. Layering 4 of these shirts in different lengths with a sweater does not exempt you. Please do not misunderstand my point, BBW curves are beautiful and there are certainly ways to accent every single one. Lets put those twigs to shame and take pride in our appearance. They could use a few pointers.

Celebrities. Dont care. So Tom and Katie are having a little mullet. Brad and Angelina are creating "The most beautiful child ever!".. Nick is mackin on a new chick now that Jessica has checked out. Tabloids and award shows are overrated. I don't need to spend two hours of my life looking at smiling, rich folks on a red carpet discussing every aspect of their life.. Tell me why you are there. What major contributions have you made since the shindig last year? Why should I pay $9 for a movie ticket or $20 for your CD? Convince me.. I dont care what youre wearing, what ungodly price you paid for it or who the love of your life is this week. Does anyone else ponder how much these ppl get around? It's a wonder that more sex tapes or intimate details dont escape!

I dont mean to bash all celebrities. There are some wonderful and dedicated celebrities who have not forgotten their journeys. I say thank you to these folks. Thank you for setting an upright example and leading decent lives like the rest of us. Yall deserve every major award possible.. Now I must not let the fans off without a scratch here. Above mentioned "respectable" celebrities appreciate their fans and in turn I think we should treat them with a little dignity. Granted you may lose yourself to temporary insanity upon a sighting but let's leave it at "Hello so & so, I enjoy your work. Thank you." .. Lets not stalk these poor people by requesting autographs, hair samples, and sperm donations. They just want to eat their Big Mac too.
Special thanks to Jeannine for inspiration on that one.

Cake Batter ice cream is back at Cold Stone Creamery. And so am I.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

NO.

2006-01-18T15:56:00.000-06:00

Some days you have to suck it up and hunker down.

This is one of those days.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

Please Hold for an Important Message...

2006-01-17T17:22:00.000-06:00

Do not call me with an automated recording asking me to hold. It pisses me off.

Let's reserve the "self check out" lanes for people with less than 136 items. Some of us would like to get home before the Rocky Road turns into a mudslide.

Dear Garbage Men: I hate you.

YANKEE ALERT: Have yall heard of the guy who killed his wife a few months back? She wrote a note itemizing his recent purchases "syringes, antifreeze, duct tape, rope" and sent a letter to the local cop shop explaining he was going to kill her. She turned up dead. Now the thing is sitting in the State Supreme Court with his lawyers arguing a mistrial over the fact that they cannot cross-examine her... I dont get these people.

I feel the urge to go forking but am too lazy to go buy forks. Perhaps another day.

Closing with a shout out to that black Lincoln with IL plates on I-94 last night. You did not need to tailgate 3 inches from my bumper. You were brake checked because you deserved it and there was no need for that brake check game to continue another 10 miles. 2 other lanes, use them.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You have ever used lard in bed.

Outlet Malls, Runaway Hummers and Truth or Dare...

2006-01-16T22:03:00.000-06:00

I don't have a particular rant this evening. This entry will be a collection of random thoughts and God knows what else by the time I'm done.

So I locked up the trailer and went out on the town tonight.. Just down the road about 45 minutes to a land of outlet malls, a burned down Long John Silvers and .. more outlet malls. We chose to dine at a yankee "cowboy" establishment. You know the type, peanuts on the floor, steaks in the window and perky servers that annoy the hell out of you. Poor kids were trying to line-dance (shakes head..) Anyhoo, we had a mighty nice, relaxing dinner until that familiar clapping in unison. Yes, some poor schmuck had a birthday and was being ambushed. So here come the perky kids all smiles and doing the worst yankee rendition of "yeeehaw!" I have heard thus far. So ok bday schmuck is up and damn if they didn't roll out a saddle! On wheels! I tell ya, sometimes these folks are too much for me. Poor girl had to mount this pathetic saddle while they "yeehaw!"d once again. You know, they pulled that crap on me one time with salt and pepper shakers on a chair.. I discreetly unscrewed the tops and dumped it on them.. But back to the story.. Everybody "yeehaw!"d once more, the girl dismounted and went back to her daquiri. Overall the food was wonderful but that Green Bay Packer mural kills it for me every time. Not a Stetson in sight. "YEEHAW!"

You may have heard all this hoopla over our fearless leader defending wiretapping. Notice President Chaney is never in on this stuff? I do like the guy truly because he knows how to lay low and let the shit hit everyone else. But back to wiretapping. I've decided to be a good citizen and make as many phone sex calls as possible just in case they are listening. My contribution to Homeland Security.

*** Special shout out to my big buddy Grinno! *** I can die happy now that I have seen her type the word tarddddddddddd.

So my Gam got me a nifty remote control Hummer H2 for Christmas. It was all fun and games until it ran under my bed. I'm too lazy to dig it out at this point and we just won't tell her.

Christmas is a scam. Think about it. We loved it when we were kids, staying up all night for Santa to leave us all kinds of crap that would be broken by the next week. Then you get older and figure out Santa doesn't really exist, but it's ok because you still get crap.. Here is where the scam starts.. A few years later you realize that YOU are the one who has to buy the crap. Scam.

Gas is a racket. Sure we have all bitched about this before but what burns me is the fact that they hike it up to $6 billion dollars a gallon only to get us all excited when it goes back down to $2.38.. That is not a bargain folks. Iraqis paying a nickel per gallon is a bargain.

Never play "Truth or Dare". It will bite you in the ass every time.
(Yes honey, I see you hysterically laughing right now..)

And I will close with one final thought.. It is Martin Luther King Jr. day. Lets all take a moment to remember not the hyped up crap of today but the original cause. Red, yellow black or white, straight or glbt, disabled or perfectly healthy we all gotta get along people. Let's keep working on that cause.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

2006-01-15T20:26:00.000-06:00

Some people ask me where my madness comes from. There is no particular answer for this question. Maybe it's living in the trailer park. Maybe it's because I take showers in the dark.. alone. Maybe it's because I love the taste of Listerine and drink it when the occasion presents..

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
(dedicated to my father...)

Stop the Insanity!

2006-01-15T16:16:00.000-06:00

Well it's mid-day here at the trailer and I have stumbled upon yet another rant. I need cable tv. Don't get me wrong, I love that there Welfare TV, but today was a day of destiny - I had actually seen the episode of Laurence Welk before! Even the Antiques Roadshow has lost it's charm. I used to take pleasure in watching people throw hissy fits because great grandma's momma's daddy's pocketwatch was a fake and actually created in Japan about 1972. Yes, that is my one guilty pleasure. Now onto my rant..

I love infomercials. The nifty gadgets that people peddle for $19.95 plus throwing in a free one with cookbook and 15 plastic ties?? That's a bargain folks. Although I must caution you that I have had 2 negative experiences. 1) That pancake flipper. Be warned that your eggs will plop out the side and you'll have a grand time scraping that cooked crap off your burners. 2) The veggie slicer. Oh cmon you've seen it. Slide the little onion down the board for perfect slices everytime! Well I took off my left index nuckle a few years back and now have a scar that looks like a nasty wart. Those two are not recommended, and that rolly sponge mop sucks too, btw. Anyway, again on to my rant.. In between the infomercials and talkshows you will find those dreaded unnecessary commercials. Now you know what I'm talking about, ones that you flip the channel as soon as they arrive. Let me do a run down for you..
1.) Viagra. Granted I am a lesbian but that is not the point. These commercials are unnecessary. I dont need to see Sam all depressed because he cant put out? Sam goes to the dr and gets that lil blue pill and alas, he and the little lady are strolling down the beach hand in hand.. Apparently he didnt suffer that nasty side effect of an erection for longer than 4 hours because the little lady would have killed him for sure..

2.) Tampons and Maxi Pads are a racket. We need 'em, stores have them and it's pretty much a given that we're going to buy them. Why do they feel the need to form the maxipad into a little lawn chair on a beach? And what is this blue water about? I say they need to work on their marketing. Perhaps I will email my suggestion of using homicidal red blood with a few clots. I mean cmon, lets show the 12 year olds what they have to look forward to for the next 40 years? Same goes for Vagisil. Unnecessary commercial - we'll buy it if we need it.

3.) Valtrex. Now THIS is a racket. So some poor schmo's lucky number came up and now they are packing. Ahhh those pesky STD's. So Schmo goes to the dr and after declaring they do not have high blood pressure or seizures, they get a little fix of Valtrex. Once again, they are running along the beach full of joy because the little critters are at bay. - Is anyone seeing this beach pattern? It is disturbing.

4.) Feed the Children/ Adopt an African Orphan/ Feed the Hungry and Desolate. Racket. You sponsor a child for only 23 thirds of a cent per day. This can feed, school and clothe them for a year friends. Then the pathetic pictures. OY! .. Has anyone noticed that little Sambayz with the rice bowl hasnt aged in the last 10 years?.. I truly feel for these children and am sure that most die in vain which is seriously sickening. But I say let's take care of our own before we deport (more) money overseas. I'm not talking about the Red Cross, I'm talking about somewhere that the money is actually going to make it to these folks in need. I'm not saying to go cruise the streets in search of a homeless carjacking but this is a problem folks. We're going to hell in a hand basket.
---------------------------------------
And now for a few of my favorite commercials.. My face lights up every time that I see those Careerbuilder monkeys. Granted I work for a competitor but our commercials suck nowadays - those monkeys have it going on! Another ran around Christmas time. I forget the nifty name but it was basically a belt apparatus for rednecks. It held Santas belt up as not to get ash in his, well you know. And the catch phrase at the end? The big closer "guaranteed to keep the little elves happy!" .. Now that folks was ingenious.. Ohhhh how I love those Chia Pets! (No comments from the gallery please.) Think of how fun they can be - put the water in the hole and watch them grow! (Gallery simmer down..) They come in all different shapes and sizes, cartoon characters and herbal gardens. And besides, they keep a sweat shop factory full of third world workers economically sound. Ok, so they are chained to their terracotta ovens. Moving on.. That egg/muffin toaster has the best ones so far. Poor kid in the fast food joint bored and blowing straw wrappers across the room? This is my ultimate fantasy right here - he sits on the industrial yellow mop bucket paddling across the floor with the mop - like a canoe. HA! I want that job!

Well now, that concludes my rant for the moment. I may plug another entry tonight depending on what sickening turn this world takes in the next 6 hours.. Specials thanks to all my readers for the kind words of encouragement. Please dont forget your moon pie and rc cola on the way out.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist vs. Minutemaid taste test.

Clorox, Crabs and Nana...

2006-01-14T19:30:00.000-06:00

"so baby let's sell your diamond rings, buy some boots and faded jeans and go away.."

It's been a lazy day here at the trailer. Nothing very eventful but I am sure I will find something to rant about. I am returning to work on Tuesday after my 5 month hiatus. Needless to say today was one of my last days to wake up at 3pm. I sat around in the lazee-boy like a slug for a couple of hours until a clorox spell hit hard and heavy. Do you ever get those cleaning moods? Not all the time but one of those random jump up and gitter done! moments? Ok maybe not. Perhaps it's my love of huffing on clorox wipes.. Made some Grandma Surprise (!) for dinner. A tostito and chicken soup concoction that has fed many a welfare mouth. She may be gone but that damn receipe will live forever. Shout out to Grandma, I left a dr pepper and pack of smokes for ya.

So here I sit full of Grandma Surprise (!) and settling in for my Saturday viewing of COPS. That show never gets old does it? Sometimes I cheer when I see Dallas or Ft Worth's finest. Especially the street signs too. "OMG, I used to go to that bar on Rosedale! Wow, finally a crack raid! Glad that I wasnt there tonight.." Of course there's always potential for various family members to make it in the big time. Cousin Bobby Gene, you are my inspiration.

I did have an interesting visitor today. My ex-friend, Ann. Most of you know that story and I wont bore the newbies but it seems that they may be moving back. Yes folks, 17 trailers down and I just might make COPS after all!! They are like a bad case of crabs, they keep cropping up unexpectedly.. -- Moonpie anyone?

The weather has been holding pretty good. We had us a heatwave on Thursday, 56 degrees. At last a chance for the snow to melt and let the little trailer mullets play in the community pool. Another story for another day. I will bring this up at our next park meeting. Damn I hope Betty brings that jello mold again..

Wow, has anyone heard that Alanis Morsette song "Ironic"? I want to shake her and say "no it's not ironic Alanis, you just have really shitty luck!". Perhaps if she would quit drinking the Chardonnay then the black flies will not be a problem? .. As some of you may know Shelley Winters died today. You may not be aware of her long, accomplished career but we folks in the park know her as "Nana" on Roseanne. Shelley, we love you, we will miss you but you will live on in syndication.. Ok, time to lock up the trailer for the night. Good thing I have that there Brinks sign in the yard! Carol (aka the "other" dyke trailer) hasn't come looking for it yet. .

You might live in a trailer park if:
You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Welcome to the park!

2006-01-14T02:56:00.000-06:00

I have talked for months about writing a blog. Not quite sure what to start with but I am looking forward to the journey and hope that yall get some enjoyment, amusement or at least random moments of "what the hell?" .. Feedback is always welcome but law suits are strongly discouraged.

I suppose I should introduce myself for those who unknowingly stumble this here Picasso. My name is Renny and I am from Milwaukee, WI. You would have known this had you read my profile. Ok, introductions out of the way..

Many people ask about the trailer park from time to time. Things have been remotely quiet here which is progress. Fred and Ethel's trailer did not burn down as was suspected, the crystal meth trailer across the road has not blown up yet and I have not seen my neighbor Carol (aka that "other" dyke trailer) since my return from Texas. . The black wrecked out Mustang is still in the yard, I am still receiving the code violations and evading "possible arrest" even though it is not within my property line.. The local elementary school is still a pain in my ass, yes the parentals parking in the middle of a major street waiting for their little mullet heads to dodge the cars. Sometimes I fantasize of taking a few out. Especially that smartass one that flips me off with a smile.. Meet my V6 lil jr, come and play..................

Geeez so much to say but I will try to pace myself here folks! See the beauty of this is that I no longer have ppl begging me to shut up. You can simply stop reading and/ or being offended at any time!.. Tonight's rant will be on the subject of the good folks at the International House of Pancakes. Yes, IHOP. A friend and I were dining this evening and had a most unpleasant experience. We had eaten our meals and were savoring coffee carafe number 7 when the waitress (Special shout out there to Michelle!) informed us that her shift was up and inquired as to if I would be leaving the tip on my credit card or giving it to her at that moment. "Otherwise, she wont receive the tip if she leaves".. This did not sit well in my omelette packed gut.. I explained that the tip was diminishing but would be paid when we were ready to leave. Michelle, bless her little yankee heart, proceeded to stand around glaring at me for a few minutes until admitting defeat and packing up. She strolled to the door with full glare in effect THEN stopped to waive good night in that "you ripped me off so may you die a thousand deaths in a vat of lard" sort of way.. HA! Wrong move honey, we trailer folks love our lard.. I have emailed the good folks of the IHOP corporation regarding the shake down. Perhaps Michelle will remember me fondly during her 8 hour "gratuity depends on your attitude" seminar.

Rant of the day is now over. And now for my closing segment...

You might live in a trailer park if:
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.