Foaming at the Mouth
I'm not into beauty folks. Never have been and probably never will be. I leave the pretty primping, shaping and waxing for my little sister who fell off an entirely different tree. Do you realize it takes her two hours to get ready for work? She is the Mary Kay incarnate and I just dont get it.. But you see I do have a point somewhere and we have now arrived.
Anyone who knows me will tell you 1) I chain smoke. 2) I drink obscene amounts of ice tea 3) I drink more coffee than the average idiot and 4) I dont give a damn. So in light of my teeth bordering on truck-driver yellow, I purchased a teeth whitening kit. And to clarify, this is not a beauty thing. This is a hurry up and do something before the Gam comes a running with a hokey remedy thing.. mmmkayyyy?? I tried the Creststrips once but they were a negative. Being that I am fiercely devoted to Rembrandt toothpaste, I settled for the Plus White 5 Minute system, $10. Not too much to lose if it doesnt work, right? I hole myself up in the bathroom and begin to read the box.. Swish pre-rinse. check. Rinse tray. check. Coat upper and lower parts of tray for even results. check. Bite down softly on tray for 15 minutes for trucker teeth. check.
I come back to my keyboard and oh good, gums are tingling. It's working. Now a little foaming action and I feel like a QVC pitch in progress.. type type typing away. Three minutes goes by and it's getting harder to shut my mouth, lots of peroxide here folks.. By minute eight I have grown concerned that my mouth has become a roaring rapids amusement ride and I am choking back the urge to swallow said rapids.. A full ten minutes goes by, I can no longer feel my cheeks and white foam is gushing down my chin. My God, this shit is alive!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didnt make the 15 minute mark folks. My six year old mentality got the best of me and I was forced to smash my bloated cheeks into the sink, blowing foam everywhere.. heh. (Yes Mom, I did clean it up and yes Mom, I did use the scrubbing bubbles!)
Beauty is high maintenance and I dont know if I can handle this twice a day for two weeks......................?
Moving on, everybody say hayyyyyyyyy to MOM and GAM! They had birthdays last week and we got them some really cool crap but cant say here because they havent gotten it yet. Confucius say: Let lil Sis give gift first then wait week because everyone always like last gift better...
I had Long John Silver's for breakfast today while Sis was running a 26 mile marathon. Heh. Go me. My new theory is that I dont want to die old. Sure I'm young and people say things like that when they are young but I cant imagine 40 years worse from now. Negative. There better be a runaway city bus or something in my future. Speed was a cool movie and if Sandra Bullock shows up then by God, I am dying happy.
Oh, we have a cultural lesson from Gam for all you Hummus lovin' Homos out there.
- The proper Greekenese pronunciation is.. Homos.
.. Just some trivia for your next little get together.. Homo on a cracker anyone??
It seems that there may be light at the end of this peanut butter recall tunnel. We scored a jar of Jif at the Walmarts after 3 months of searching in vain. I have intended to blog the massive peanut butter disappearance but now it just doesnt seem relevant since we found some. Tragical.
- I love it when people say Walmarts or Kmarts.
You might live in a trailer park if:
You watch porn just to check out the tattoos.
Anyone who knows me will tell you 1) I chain smoke. 2) I drink obscene amounts of ice tea 3) I drink more coffee than the average idiot and 4) I dont give a damn. So in light of my teeth bordering on truck-driver yellow, I purchased a teeth whitening kit. And to clarify, this is not a beauty thing. This is a hurry up and do something before the Gam comes a running with a hokey remedy thing.. mmmkayyyy?? I tried the Creststrips once but they were a negative. Being that I am fiercely devoted to Rembrandt toothpaste, I settled for the Plus White 5 Minute system, $10. Not too much to lose if it doesnt work, right? I hole myself up in the bathroom and begin to read the box.. Swish pre-rinse. check. Rinse tray. check. Coat upper and lower parts of tray for even results. check. Bite down softly on tray for 15 minutes for trucker teeth. check.
I come back to my keyboard and oh good, gums are tingling. It's working. Now a little foaming action and I feel like a QVC pitch in progress.. type type typing away. Three minutes goes by and it's getting harder to shut my mouth, lots of peroxide here folks.. By minute eight I have grown concerned that my mouth has become a roaring rapids amusement ride and I am choking back the urge to swallow said rapids.. A full ten minutes goes by, I can no longer feel my cheeks and white foam is gushing down my chin. My God, this shit is alive!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didnt make the 15 minute mark folks. My six year old mentality got the best of me and I was forced to smash my bloated cheeks into the sink, blowing foam everywhere.. heh. (Yes Mom, I did clean it up and yes Mom, I did use the scrubbing bubbles!)
Beauty is high maintenance and I dont know if I can handle this twice a day for two weeks......................?
Moving on, everybody say hayyyyyyyyy to MOM and GAM! They had birthdays last week and we got them some really cool crap but cant say here because they havent gotten it yet. Confucius say: Let lil Sis give gift first then wait week because everyone always like last gift better...
I had Long John Silver's for breakfast today while Sis was running a 26 mile marathon. Heh. Go me. My new theory is that I dont want to die old. Sure I'm young and people say things like that when they are young but I cant imagine 40 years worse from now. Negative. There better be a runaway city bus or something in my future. Speed was a cool movie and if Sandra Bullock shows up then by God, I am dying happy.
Oh, we have a cultural lesson from Gam for all you Hummus lovin' Homos out there.
- The proper Greekenese pronunciation is.. Homos.
.. Just some trivia for your next little get together.. Homo on a cracker anyone??
It seems that there may be light at the end of this peanut butter recall tunnel. We scored a jar of Jif at the Walmarts after 3 months of searching in vain. I have intended to blog the massive peanut butter disappearance but now it just doesnt seem relevant since we found some. Tragical.
- I love it when people say Walmarts or Kmarts.
You might live in a trailer park if:
You watch porn just to check out the tattoos.
posted by Renny at
5:59 AM
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