Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out

Everybody say heyyyyy to TAGGS! My favorite Canadian Sasquatch Friend! Taggs has taught me much about Canadian geography. We ran thru the provinces, islands and regulations of border crossings. I can now take that road trip to the museum of hell and visit the slums of Quebec where Celine Dion's 34 brothers and sisters still reside.. Taggs would like to address a growing problem up there. It seems that she has grown irritated with older men who can afford midlife crisis cars but young hotties being forced into poverty and cruising in beaters.. I dunno folks, but I did promise a shout out.

Code enforcement. Conspiracy. You may recall the black mustang that has been sitting next to my trailer for the last 7 months? See folks here is the problem. It is not on my property line. Looking at the trailer lot it would appear so, but is not. Fine folks of code enforcement are forever threatening me with violations and fines yet the car still sits.. Trailer eviction or not I had enough today. I retrieved my lot survey and promptly told him to tow the thing or shove off. Not my problem.

Weddings. You find the love of your life and decide to take the plunge.. Racket. Why are these things so complicated? Location, reception, feeding 5 million people, colors, attire, invitations, showers and the list goes on. Is this the way to really start "forever after"? I say stressing out on the brink of divorce before you get the show the road isnt a good theory kids..
Allow me to ponder my own "dream wedding" for a moment..
Attire: jeans and tshirts required, shoes optional.
Location: I'm not paying money for it.
Invitations: mass email.
Food: Cotton candy.

Lil Sis, I told you to elope.

State of the seriously screwed union. I enjoy every minute of the pre-festivities. The schmoozing, hollerin about whos coming in the door and seatin of the little lady up in the balcony. But I took a new approach to mini me's song and dance this year - I watched the entire thing on mute. Really no different from watching with sound because his lips move and say nothing regardless. (waives to my mom.. get your own blog..) President Chaney was looking mighty fine as always.. Keeping in theme with the evening I have re-vamped the pledge as follows:
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the USA and every other nation that my tax dollars support.
One nation under God (I believe this has already been thrown out?)
Indivisible, unless you are a democrat/ republican.
With liberty and justice for all, unless you are a homo

Time to make that pb&j for another day another buck.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You own a homemade fur coat.

Do Not Play Leap Frog With A Unicorn.

Think about it. It's true.


You might live in a trailer park if:
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Renny, Phone Home...

So I got these lines on my forehead. Mind you that I never noticed them until recently. I know what youre thinkin but they dont appear to be wrinkles. Two of them across the right side. Went thru some old pictures trying to pinpoint when these things cropped up but no dice.

Mom, if youre reading this I need you to be honest. Did you drop me on my head at some point? It's ok seriously.. I will still love you even though I look like ET. Please Mom, stop the uncertainty or I will be forced to share with everyone how I almost died in that horse barrel. Ah, you perked up now huh? Spill it, I know that you know something..

Next Christmas I would like a new hoodie and Schwinn to ride off into the night sky...


You might live in a trailer park if:
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage

TV reruns are nice if you happen to miss one here and there.
Why are they always the ones that I HAVE seen??

Had a nice, quiet weekend in the trailer and now waiting on the next netflix disk! You left your Coldstone honey :(

Did you know that most Italian last names end in a vowel?
Amazing the knowledge that I acquire.

So I'm trying to open a dvd case.. I'm sick of this childproof crap. I get the important things like antifreeze and medication but cmon, a dvd case? Is a kid going to chew on a disc until they bleed?.. Get pissed at me if you want but parents need to be watching these kids. How about some child locks on cabinet doors? Gun lock on the piece in the nightstand? Draino on the top shelf of the closet? We hear this sad stuff on the news every day, yet priority is saving a child from gnawing on a movie. Don't get it.

Freddie Phelps and his flying monkeys are off the leash and out of Kansas again. Criss-crossing the country to picket at military funerals. Fred, leave these folks alone and come back to the queers. We are used to your bullshit.

War sucks. You know what side I'm on but lets put that aside. Apparently a news reporter was in an attack and evac'd out to Germany. Keep in mind he is still alive and gonna make it.. The evening news is making a holy production out of this guy's "horrific tragedy". Showing him "transported in a military plane similar to a flying operating room".. Guess what folks? Job hazard. I don't see them spending 28 of a 30 minute broadcast on our troops that are dying every day. Troops. The ppl who serve because they were ordered. They dont have the option of leaving a 5th avenue studio.
This is my blog so suck it up.

Locking up the trailer for the night.
Pb&j packed for another day and another buck.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever been arrested for loitering.

Blondes Tease....Brunettes Please....

Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy

I have promised a few ppl shout outs from the trailer park -

Everybody say haaayyyyyyy to SNOOP!
She wishes to address a serious issue concerning toothpaste consumption. Snoop finds it imperative that one squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube. Usage of mid tube is an illegal move and violators will be prosecuted. Please note, however, that it is permissible to brush your teeth in the shower as long as tube regulations are met and you also spit directly into the drain.

Everybody say haaayyyyyyy to TERRI!
Terri is a heck of a woman folks. She works down at the Local IHOP store 2673. Terri is a devoted waitress who not only does she dance, sing and keeps the coffee coming, she also has taught me much about IHOP practices. They cater to blind folks and it's all about the 4,4,4,4 and 30 baby! .. Terri, I told ya I would make u a sulebreetee!

Everybody say haaayyyyyyy to VON AND KAREN!
No reason, I just want to see if they read this.

I apologize for the boring entries here at the park lately. I seem to be quite rantless. Yes, I know what you are thinking because I am confused too. This passive thing really doesnt work for me.. Well I do have a rant actually but think it better not to unleash here. Lets just say that I need to win the lottery.. and soon.. Shout out to the yankee who is making my days on this earth less than desirable.
Be nice. Society already sucks.


You might live in a trailer park if:
Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Random Observations

I am not an optimist. Never have been and dont plan to be. Some say its a bad thing but I prefer to think of it more as disappointment damage control.
Random declaration.

After a long and exhaustive search it has been declared that Billie Meyers sang the song "Kiss the Rain". I'm relieved that the uncertainty is over.

Deceptive Marketing. Clever yet annoying. "2 for $3.00" is still a buck and a half. And the way they tag .99 cents onto everything? 1.99, 24.99, 99.99 .. Add a cent and realize that you are actually paying the next dollar - it's simple really yet we all think it's a bargain.. Gas. $2.46 when paying with cash but 3 cents more if using credit. Racket. Store cards irritate me. Why am I required to carry a card for 15 different stores? Yet another way to track my every purchase and movement. Conspiracy. I await that day that Homeland Security will inquire as to my Piggly Wiggly purchases. Think about it.

I dont like cats. Yes, hate me and wish me dead because I just dont like them.. Which brings me to a most bizarre experience this evening. A cat leapt from the floor directly to my shoulder and sat like a friggin parrot. I was confused. I dont like cats.

2 months until MLB spring training. 3 until opening days.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Youve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

What's Wrong With The World Momma?

What the hell has happened to clothing these days? We all make the world go round and I'm all for individuality but lets set a few ground rules, shall we? 1) If you got it, flaunt it. Reality is that some are gifted and others are shafted. 2) If you fall into the latter (as I do) lets make an attempt. Please allow me to address us #2 folks.. First up will be these low rider pants.. Seeing your thong hanging out 4 inches above your "waist" line is not sexy. Refer to #2 above and please re-read that portion if so applicable. Tight "baby-doll" shirts. Negative. I understand the need to feel "girly" and sexy etc but anything with the consistency of spandex (especially if knitted cotton) is a serious offense. Layering 4 of these shirts in different lengths with a sweater does not exempt you. Please do not misunderstand my point, BBW curves are beautiful and there are certainly ways to accent every single one. Lets put those twigs to shame and take pride in our appearance. They could use a few pointers.

Celebrities. Dont care. So Tom and Katie are having a little mullet. Brad and Angelina are creating "The most beautiful child ever!".. Nick is mackin on a new chick now that Jessica has checked out. Tabloids and award shows are overrated. I don't need to spend two hours of my life looking at smiling, rich folks on a red carpet discussing every aspect of their life.. Tell me why you are there. What major contributions have you made since the shindig last year? Why should I pay $9 for a movie ticket or $20 for your CD? Convince me.. I dont care what youre wearing, what ungodly price you paid for it or who the love of your life is this week. Does anyone else ponder how much these ppl get around? It's a wonder that more sex tapes or intimate details dont escape!

I dont mean to bash all celebrities. There are some wonderful and dedicated celebrities who have not forgotten their journeys. I say thank you to these folks. Thank you for setting an upright example and leading decent lives like the rest of us. Yall deserve every major award possible.. Now I must not let the fans off without a scratch here. Above mentioned "respectable" celebrities appreciate their fans and in turn I think we should treat them with a little dignity. Granted you may lose yourself to temporary insanity upon a sighting but let's leave it at "Hello so & so, I enjoy your work. Thank you." .. Lets not stalk these poor people by requesting autographs, hair samples, and sperm donations. They just want to eat their Big Mac too.
Special thanks to Jeannine for inspiration on that one.


Cake Batter ice cream is back at Cold Stone Creamery. And so am I.


You might live in a trailer park if:
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

NO.

Some days you have to suck it up and hunker down.

This is one of those days.



You might live in a trailer park if:
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

Please Hold for an Important Message...

Do not call me with an automated recording asking me to hold. It pisses me off.

Let's reserve the "self check out" lanes for people with less than 136 items. Some of us would like to get home before the Rocky Road turns into a mudslide.

Dear Garbage Men: I hate you.

YANKEE ALERT: Have yall heard of the guy who killed his wife a few months back? She wrote a note itemizing his recent purchases "syringes, antifreeze, duct tape, rope" and sent a letter to the local cop shop explaining he was going to kill her. She turned up dead. Now the thing is sitting in the State Supreme Court with his lawyers arguing a mistrial over the fact that they cannot cross-examine her... I dont get these people.

I feel the urge to go forking but am too lazy to go buy forks. Perhaps another day.

Closing with a shout out to that black Lincoln with IL plates on I-94 last night. You did not need to tailgate 3 inches from my bumper. You were brake checked because you deserved it and there was no need for that brake check game to continue another 10 miles. 2 other lanes, use them.


You might live in a trailer park if:
You have ever used lard in bed.

Outlet Malls, Runaway Hummers and Truth or Dare...

I don't have a particular rant this evening. This entry will be a collection of random thoughts and God knows what else by the time I'm done.

So I locked up the trailer and went out on the town tonight.. Just down the road about 45 minutes to a land of outlet malls, a burned down Long John Silvers and .. more outlet malls. We chose to dine at a yankee "cowboy" establishment. You know the type, peanuts on the floor, steaks in the window and perky servers that annoy the hell out of you. Poor kids were trying to line-dance (shakes head..) Anyhoo, we had a mighty nice, relaxing dinner until that familiar clapping in unison. Yes, some poor schmuck had a birthday and was being ambushed. So here come the perky kids all smiles and doing the worst yankee rendition of "yeeehaw!" I have heard thus far. So ok bday schmuck is up and damn if they didn't roll out a saddle! On wheels! I tell ya, sometimes these folks are too much for me. Poor girl had to mount this pathetic saddle while they "yeehaw!"d once again. You know, they pulled that crap on me one time with salt and pepper shakers on a chair.. I discreetly unscrewed the tops and dumped it on them.. But back to the story.. Everybody "yeehaw!"d once more, the girl dismounted and went back to her daquiri. Overall the food was wonderful but that Green Bay Packer mural kills it for me every time. Not a Stetson in sight. "YEEHAW!"

You may have heard all this hoopla over our fearless leader defending wiretapping. Notice President Chaney is never in on this stuff? I do like the guy truly because he knows how to lay low and let the shit hit everyone else. But back to wiretapping. I've decided to be a good citizen and make as many phone sex calls as possible just in case they are listening. My contribution to Homeland Security.

*** Special shout out to my big buddy Grinno! *** I can die happy now that I have seen her type the word tarddddddddddd.

So my Gam got me a nifty remote control Hummer H2 for Christmas. It was all fun and games until it ran under my bed. I'm too lazy to dig it out at this point and we just won't tell her.

Christmas is a scam. Think about it. We loved it when we were kids, staying up all night for Santa to leave us all kinds of crap that would be broken by the next week. Then you get older and figure out Santa doesn't really exist, but it's ok because you still get crap.. Here is where the scam starts.. A few years later you realize that YOU are the one who has to buy the crap. Scam.

Gas is a racket. Sure we have all bitched about this before but what burns me is the fact that they hike it up to $6 billion dollars a gallon only to get us all excited when it goes back down to $2.38.. That is not a bargain folks. Iraqis paying a nickel per gallon is a bargain.

Never play "Truth or Dare". It will bite you in the ass every time.
(Yes honey, I see you hysterically laughing right now..)

And I will close with one final thought.. It is Martin Luther King Jr. day. Lets all take a moment to remember not the hyped up crap of today but the original cause. Red, yellow black or white, straight or glbt, disabled or perfectly healthy we all gotta get along people. Let's keep working on that cause.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Some people ask me where my madness comes from. There is no particular answer for this question. Maybe it's living in the trailer park. Maybe it's because I take showers in the dark.. alone. Maybe it's because I love the taste of Listerine and drink it when the occasion presents..

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
(dedicated to my father...)

Stop the Insanity!

Well it's mid-day here at the trailer and I have stumbled upon yet another rant. I need cable tv. Don't get me wrong, I love that there Welfare TV, but today was a day of destiny - I had actually seen the episode of Laurence Welk before! Even the Antiques Roadshow has lost it's charm. I used to take pleasure in watching people throw hissy fits because great grandma's momma's daddy's pocketwatch was a fake and actually created in Japan about 1972. Yes, that is my one guilty pleasure. Now onto my rant..

I love infomercials. The nifty gadgets that people peddle for $19.95 plus throwing in a free one with cookbook and 15 plastic ties?? That's a bargain folks. Although I must caution you that I have had 2 negative experiences. 1) That pancake flipper. Be warned that your eggs will plop out the side and you'll have a grand time scraping that cooked crap off your burners. 2) The veggie slicer. Oh cmon you've seen it. Slide the little onion down the board for perfect slices everytime! Well I took off my left index nuckle a few years back and now have a scar that looks like a nasty wart. Those two are not recommended, and that rolly sponge mop sucks too, btw. Anyway, again on to my rant.. In between the infomercials and talkshows you will find those dreaded unnecessary commercials. Now you know what I'm talking about, ones that you flip the channel as soon as they arrive. Let me do a run down for you..
1.) Viagra. Granted I am a lesbian but that is not the point. These commercials are unnecessary. I dont need to see Sam all depressed because he cant put out? Sam goes to the dr and gets that lil blue pill and alas, he and the little lady are strolling down the beach hand in hand.. Apparently he didnt suffer that nasty side effect of an erection for longer than 4 hours because the little lady would have killed him for sure..

2.) Tampons and Maxi Pads are a racket. We need 'em, stores have them and it's pretty much a given that we're going to buy them. Why do they feel the need to form the maxipad into a little lawn chair on a beach? And what is this blue water about? I say they need to work on their marketing. Perhaps I will email my suggestion of using homicidal red blood with a few clots. I mean cmon, lets show the 12 year olds what they have to look forward to for the next 40 years? Same goes for Vagisil. Unnecessary commercial - we'll buy it if we need it.

3.) Valtrex. Now THIS is a racket. So some poor schmo's lucky number came up and now they are packing. Ahhh those pesky STD's. So Schmo goes to the dr and after declaring they do not have high blood pressure or seizures, they get a little fix of Valtrex. Once again, they are running along the beach full of joy because the little critters are at bay. - Is anyone seeing this beach pattern? It is disturbing.

4.) Feed the Children/ Adopt an African Orphan/ Feed the Hungry and Desolate. Racket. You sponsor a child for only 23 thirds of a cent per day. This can feed, school and clothe them for a year friends. Then the pathetic pictures. OY! .. Has anyone noticed that little Sambayz with the rice bowl hasnt aged in the last 10 years?.. I truly feel for these children and am sure that most die in vain which is seriously sickening. But I say let's take care of our own before we deport (more) money overseas. I'm not talking about the Red Cross, I'm talking about somewhere that the money is actually going to make it to these folks in need. I'm not saying to go cruise the streets in search of a homeless carjacking but this is a problem folks. We're going to hell in a hand basket.
---------------------------------------
And now for a few of my favorite commercials.. My face lights up every time that I see those Careerbuilder monkeys. Granted I work for a competitor but our commercials suck nowadays - those monkeys have it going on! Another ran around Christmas time. I forget the nifty name but it was basically a belt apparatus for rednecks. It held Santas belt up as not to get ash in his, well you know. And the catch phrase at the end? The big closer "guaranteed to keep the little elves happy!" .. Now that folks was ingenious.. Ohhhh how I love those Chia Pets! (No comments from the gallery please.) Think of how fun they can be - put the water in the hole and watch them grow! (Gallery simmer down..) They come in all different shapes and sizes, cartoon characters and herbal gardens. And besides, they keep a sweat shop factory full of third world workers economically sound. Ok, so they are chained to their terracotta ovens. Moving on.. That egg/muffin toaster has the best ones so far. Poor kid in the fast food joint bored and blowing straw wrappers across the room? This is my ultimate fantasy right here - he sits on the industrial yellow mop bucket paddling across the floor with the mop - like a canoe. HA! I want that job!

Well now, that concludes my rant for the moment. I may plug another entry tonight depending on what sickening turn this world takes in the next 6 hours.. Specials thanks to all my readers for the kind words of encouragement. Please dont forget your moon pie and rc cola on the way out.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist vs. Minutemaid taste test.

Clorox, Crabs and Nana...

"so baby let's sell your diamond rings, buy some boots and faded jeans and go away.."

It's been a lazy day here at the trailer. Nothing very eventful but I am sure I will find something to rant about. I am returning to work on Tuesday after my 5 month hiatus. Needless to say today was one of my last days to wake up at 3pm. I sat around in the lazee-boy like a slug for a couple of hours until a clorox spell hit hard and heavy. Do you ever get those cleaning moods? Not all the time but one of those random jump up and gitter done! moments? Ok maybe not. Perhaps it's my love of huffing on clorox wipes.. Made some Grandma Surprise (!) for dinner. A tostito and chicken soup concoction that has fed many a welfare mouth. She may be gone but that damn receipe will live forever. Shout out to Grandma, I left a dr pepper and pack of smokes for ya.

So here I sit full of Grandma Surprise (!) and settling in for my Saturday viewing of COPS. That show never gets old does it? Sometimes I cheer when I see Dallas or Ft Worth's finest. Especially the street signs too. "OMG, I used to go to that bar on Rosedale! Wow, finally a crack raid! Glad that I wasnt there tonight.." Of course there's always potential for various family members to make it in the big time. Cousin Bobby Gene, you are my inspiration.

I did have an interesting visitor today. My ex-friend, Ann. Most of you know that story and I wont bore the newbies but it seems that they may be moving back. Yes folks, 17 trailers down and I just might make COPS after all!! They are like a bad case of crabs, they keep cropping up unexpectedly.. -- Moonpie anyone?

The weather has been holding pretty good. We had us a heatwave on Thursday, 56 degrees. At last a chance for the snow to melt and let the little trailer mullets play in the community pool. Another story for another day. I will bring this up at our next park meeting. Damn I hope Betty brings that jello mold again..

Wow, has anyone heard that Alanis Morsette song "Ironic"? I want to shake her and say "no it's not ironic Alanis, you just have really shitty luck!". Perhaps if she would quit drinking the Chardonnay then the black flies will not be a problem? .. As some of you may know Shelley Winters died today. You may not be aware of her long, accomplished career but we folks in the park know her as "Nana" on Roseanne. Shelley, we love you, we will miss you but you will live on in syndication.. Ok, time to lock up the trailer for the night. Good thing I have that there Brinks sign in the yard! Carol (aka the "other" dyke trailer) hasn't come looking for it yet. .

You might live in a trailer park if:
You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Welcome to the park!

I have talked for months about writing a blog. Not quite sure what to start with but I am looking forward to the journey and hope that yall get some enjoyment, amusement or at least random moments of "what the hell?" .. Feedback is always welcome but law suits are strongly discouraged.

I suppose I should introduce myself for those who unknowingly stumble this here Picasso. My name is Renny and I am from Milwaukee, WI. You would have known this had you read my profile. Ok, introductions out of the way..

Many people ask about the trailer park from time to time. Things have been remotely quiet here which is progress. Fred and Ethel's trailer did not burn down as was suspected, the crystal meth trailer across the road has not blown up yet and I have not seen my neighbor Carol (aka that "other" dyke trailer) since my return from Texas. . The black wrecked out Mustang is still in the yard, I am still receiving the code violations and evading "possible arrest" even though it is not within my property line.. The local elementary school is still a pain in my ass, yes the parentals parking in the middle of a major street waiting for their little mullet heads to dodge the cars. Sometimes I fantasize of taking a few out. Especially that smartass one that flips me off with a smile.. Meet my V6 lil jr, come and play..................

Geeez so much to say but I will try to pace myself here folks! See the beauty of this is that I no longer have ppl begging me to shut up. You can simply stop reading and/ or being offended at any time!.. Tonight's rant will be on the subject of the good folks at the International House of Pancakes. Yes, IHOP. A friend and I were dining this evening and had a most unpleasant experience. We had eaten our meals and were savoring coffee carafe number 7 when the waitress (Special shout out there to Michelle!) informed us that her shift was up and inquired as to if I would be leaving the tip on my credit card or giving it to her at that moment. "Otherwise, she wont receive the tip if she leaves".. This did not sit well in my omelette packed gut.. I explained that the tip was diminishing but would be paid when we were ready to leave. Michelle, bless her little yankee heart, proceeded to stand around glaring at me for a few minutes until admitting defeat and packing up. She strolled to the door with full glare in effect THEN stopped to waive good night in that "you ripped me off so may you die a thousand deaths in a vat of lard" sort of way.. HA! Wrong move honey, we trailer folks love our lard.. I have emailed the good folks of the IHOP corporation regarding the shake down. Perhaps Michelle will remember me fondly during her 8 hour "gratuity depends on your attitude" seminar.

Rant of the day is now over. And now for my closing segment...

You might live in a trailer park if:
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.