Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps

Lettuce - Any of various plants of the genus Lactuca, especially L. sativa, cultivated for their edible leaves.

So I'm driving this morning listening to talk radio. I despise talk radio but my Mom is convinced that I ruin her daily commute, therefore justifying this crap. No, she cant do this by listening to a station with music because apparently only Rush Limbaugh gives a traffic report. Talk about wanting to roll out the door at 80mph.. Anyway, back to the news and traffic report.. Yall may have heard the hoopla over the movie remake of "Dallas". This my friends is going to be a disaster but anyway, the debate is over whether to film in Dallas or somewhere else.. I vote for Dallas being that ole Southfork is still drawing in a million little blue haired visitors a year BUT ok ok here is where I'm going... So everyone is giving their two cents plus three more and apparently the Dallas Homeless Neighborhood Association is anti movie... Read it again kids.. Homeless Neighborhood Association. What the hell is this and where are the meetings? Association fees consisting of a bottle of Ripple and sharing your abandoned car for a night? And I reckon it's a non-profit thing being streetbums and all... That right there is a flashy title!

I am going to do something that I rarely do.. America annoys me with bitching about loosing weight. I hate to admit that I am joining in but I'm going back on the wagon folks. I'm just not liking myself lately and time to change strategies. Oh, how we are a society that likes to run with scissors..

I have been informed that I use the F word too much. Tragic.

You might live in a trailer park if:

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive in theatre.

Reality Is a Crutch For People Who Can't Handle Drugs

This here is our newest park resident, Jolene and her pet Fluffy. Yall all give Jolene a big howdy to the Park!

It seems that my mother has discovered the joys of Ebay. God Help us all. Yes friends, she proceeded to sit and watch a four hour infomercial on Welfare TV all about the magical wonders of Ebay and has been pricing everything in the house. Not that we have too much of serious value but I've been looking real hard for the Virgin Mary to show up in the kitchen floor tiles or something. She goes for some big bucks from time to time. Maybe she will show up in time for Easter.

Speaking of Church.. I stopped by the local Baptist establishment yesterday! On a Sunday even! Ok, so I was just turning around in their parking lot but I technically showed up regardless.. I drove all over hell's half acre this morning doing errands. What is it with every place not opening for another 45 minutes after I get there?? Conspiracy. Well shit, I said hell after the Church thing.. Mary, please show up. I'm very sorry and promise to turn around in the Church parking lot more often....

Daddy Update: Daddy has been working on his homestead because the city is all over him. Hmmm wonder why?? So he bought this siding off the side of the road only to find out he didnt buy enough. Would you believe that the illegal siding operation has disbanded?? Poor Daddy, dollar late and day short.. Have I told you that he also bought a new ride? Have no fear, the camper is still rolling down the road short of a muffler and antifreeze but Daddy has made a big purchase.. Somewhere along the way he picked up a Mitsubishi Mirage. A clown car. Daddy, good luck getting in it and I'm sure it will purrr like a piece of shit after you buy that $3400 transmission.... I'm still looking for that long lost love child on this earth somewhere. I was not meant to do this alone!

Sopranos started last night but no HBO in these parts. Tragic.

So I was listening to the radio while waiting 45 minutes for Sprint to open.. I think it was in Indiana that a guy walked into a bank fully dressed in a clown suit. Yup, shoes, wig, red nose, the whole get up. He was arrested but I assume the get away car drove off with the 14 accomplices.. Ha ha.. get it? Nevermind.

I always wanted to drive one of them Shiner go-karts too.
Wear the little bucket hat with the dangly thing. Tragic.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper high-quality entertainment.

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Ever been misunderstood, misused, or mislead?

Ever knocked on the sky and had it fall on your head?

Ever lost your luggage, your marbles, your house?

Or found yourself in bed with Uncle Sam or Mickey Mouse?

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Where There's a Will...I Want To Be On It.

Trans fat. It's a big, scary fat that going to kill us all.. Well you know what? I havent run across it yet. Why the hell are we looking for this stuff when it supposedly does not exist?
Bread, no trans fat!
Cookies, no trans fat!
15 pound tub of lard, no trans fat!
I'm sick of hearing all this crap about what can kill ya. Those annoying news segments about "#2 pencil lead.. what you need to know.." or "see the hidden dangers behind Aquanet at 10pm!" Bogus. Lets use a little common sense. Cigarettes are a given to kill but we do them anyway. Drinking is a given to kill if you keep at it long enough but we do it anyway. A crack pipe will do it for sure.. But do we care about the important things? No.
We care about #2 pencils, hairspray and a bogus trans fat.
It's the American way I reckon - live now and die later.

Well back to my less than favorite commercials. Not only do we have Mr Viagra Man takes the little lady to the beach.. now we have a cartoon version of the poor schmo wandering around aimlessly until he sees his cartoon doctor then to get better and jump in the arms of his cartoon wife. Yeah, youre right. There are more important things to worry about and yes I could flip the channel but it amazes me the know how of American Marketing.

Everybody say heyyyyyyyy to GAM!
She has a commercial hang up also folks.. Are you ever watching TV when the show stops and the commercials kick in only to be 15 times louder than the show? Drives Gam up a tree kids. You should really see her dive for the remote at that hinting pause of broadcast interruption!

I'm rolling down the road the other day when I see a state marker sign saying "museum".
Not what kind of museum.. not whos in it.. but only "museum".
Being the geek that I am I think to myself, "Self, maybe we should stop by sometime and chk it out..".. Mind you this is out here in the country folks and this here "museum" consists of about 14 tractors and 3 barns that I can see.. Sorta creepy junkyard/ Stephen King setting which of course further entices my lack of common sense.. I did see some sort of other sign about it being a "house moving museum" and after checking to make sure my premiums are current, I'm gonna stop by to pet Cujo...

Well this year is a sailin away and we're into March already kids. Life is a ticking time bomb, aint it?

Being that Easter is on its way, I wanted to update yall on a couple of Trailer Park festivities we'll be havin down at the local community center. We're shootin for early April which will of course depend on the local Penitentiary holiday visitin schedules..
It'll be a whole mess of events includin a cake judgin, egg dyin and tire throwin contests, jello wrestlin. Plenty of Schlitz beer and roasted peeps for everyone!
More details to follow.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.