Who Says You Can't Go Home?

Wow, the trailer park fans are writing in droves now and Lordy, we aint seen this much action since the big Airstream fire of '62! It seems that a few fans have ponderable questions for me. Keep them coming!

Q. Can you cry under water?
A. Affirmative but you'd probably die or something.

Q. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
A. Have they been elected to office or do they just pay taxes?

Q. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
A. Because they use all the paper.

Q. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
A. Be cremated and take your chances. Is being nekkid for eternity really a bad thing??

Q. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
A. It's just the husbands who never got up.

Q. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
A. Because Bing will.. and does.

Q. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
A. To give us hope.

Q. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
A. This question could get me into way too much trouble.

Q. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A. Absolutely. Want a list?

Q. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
A. No, the White House offers tours too.

So I had a little hunger thing going tonight but disqualified the pork chops.. It was down to a chicken type of tv dinner or frozen gas station burritos. Now I loves me some gas station burritos folks but for some reason I gambled on the chicken.. These things are way too complicated. Peel the film back but only over the vegetables because evidently everything else will be screwed to hell. Then I nuke for five minutes on medium power.. (Medium power?) Five minutes go by and the ding arrives so I rip back the film and stir. Apparently I wasnt supposed to rip the film off because it goes back on for another minute.. Now this other minute I discovered is so that you can burn the shit out of your tongue.. See the madness?
I should have gone with the gas station burritos.

We still do not have a winner declared for our riddle dear readers.. Remember that there are Triscuits and fancy Dollar General spray cheese riding on this!
- You mundane noodle! -

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever spit a watermelon seed through drywall.

Got change for a twenty?

Mae West once said "one and one is two, two and two is four and five will get you ten if you know how to work it.."
Well I've always been a risk taker and most anyone will tell you that.

With full risk in tow, I decided to have the pork chops which were made out on the community park grill last night. The risk portion of our program comes in the fact that I forgot and left them sitting in the microwave for approximately six hours.. The sniff and look tests were affirmative so I took a walk on the wild side and dug in. They were quite tasty but I am now concerned as to why my tongue is tingling and has a metallic flavor. There are lots of ways to go out of this world kids but I'm thinking death by pork chop isn't going to be pretty..

I need to reflect on all that I haven't done yet before my impending trip to the big trailer park in the sky..
- Blow up ants with Malto Meal
- Make ramen noodles in a coffee pot
- Drink LOTS of Listerine
- Sit atop trailer with bb gun picking off flamingos
- Sky dive while singing The Night They Drove Ole Dixie Down..

Do you see how tragically my life will be cut short?? My lips are tingling now.. Oh God.. Lizabeth! Lizabeth , It's the big one!..

UPDATE: Well it's been two hours and I still have vision in one eye.. Could I have made it? Looks like no trailer park in the sky just yet kids..

I guess ten will get you twenty if you work it right..

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever peeled an orange during sex.

Our Weekly Feature..

It's time for our Nifty Nine!

List three items of clothing you'd hate to part with:
1) Boston Red Sox cap
2) wife beaters
3) my 501's

List three TV shows you wish would come back:
1) Will and Grace
2) Six Feet Under
3) Carnivale

Political affiliations aside, list three people who you wish would run for president:
1) Madeline Albright
2) Can we get Bill back now??
3) Ann Richards would be a hoot.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You’ve ever done a stage dive at a piano recital.

Negatively Tragic.

So by now I am sure you have seen the newest KFC racket, new Famous Bowls! .Well I'm not sure how famous they can be after 3 days of marketing but ok let's examine this monstrosity.. We have a pile of potatos with corn atop, some dried out chicken and the gratuitous two spoons of gravy slopped on top. Now of course for those in doubt they have placed a heap of cheese to cover the insanity.. Those that are acquainted with my neurotic habits know that this is a tragical class A violation. I never ate shepherd's pie as a kid and I'm not going to start now.

So I was drinking Listerine last night and explaining to a friend my fascination of showering in the dark. Try it sometime folks. Just turn out the lights and let the water rain over your head.
Beautimus.

So I was reading my comments and saw a few recommendations.
Number one from the park fans was requesting more graphics.. Look around and you'll be mighty pleased.. Number two was how much you love the trailer park.. Have no fear friends, the moon pies and rc cola will always be here for anyone who stops by, proving that the schmuck saying "there is no such thing as a free lunch" just didn't stop by. Another suggestion was to include a short biography of myself and how I came to live in this here beautimus park.. Well, I was born, am still here and hope to be a Mortician one day.

Ok.. first person to name this gets a box of triscuits and a can of that fancy Dollar General spray cheese.. No Googling please because Jesus hates a liar!
- You mundane noodle! -

You might live in a trailer park if:
You put your foot ottoman up on blocks to keep it from rolling away.

Holy Shit! I'm a Celebrity!

Well dear trailer park fans, I was catching up on my comments and want to thank the good folks that have stopped by. This blog started out as another random Renny "what the hell?" moment but it has become so much more to me. It was a place to bitch about the world and to rant my (many) aggressions but now it feels like a home. There aint nothin like livin in a trailer park folks and all of you make it worthwhile. Thank You.

Ok, the damn Hallmark moment is over and on to the good stuff.. First allow me to give a shoutout to BING! My girl has been feeling a little left out on the blog but baby here is your turn to shine! Thank you for being the beautiful woman that you are, especially when I'm insanely bitchy for no apparent reason.

Have I mentioned the (extremely) scary midget that has a silent, sickening obsession with me? No you say? Well allow me to explain this frightful tale.. Ok, about a month ago we went to some friends house for a cook out. A highly disturbing bunch came trucking across the road to join us and Lord they were a treat. A couple, 5'7ish toothless wonder and the lil butch herself at 4'9 - with umpteen kids in tow. Let us focus on the butch midget for a little backstory.. This thing was all butched up in her work pants and some sleeveless form of a has been tshirt and infested ballcap. Tragic. She was so tough and mighty that it took all I had to contain my amusement. I'm talking smokin with the whole hand over her face, adjusting her ballcap and talking in a deep midget voice. I noticed that she was staring at ME from nonchalantly to obvious to that that look of creepy "I don't want know what is going thru her mind right now". Mind you that I was sitting next to Bing and this progressed without anyone's knowledge.. I clued Bing in as soon as possible and we had a signal system going. Nope, I didnt imagine it, she wanted me.. bad.. red tab Levis and all. She walked ME to my truck talking all the while about her big bad self and running me head to toe folks. We made our great escape as soon as possible and had a disturbing laugh out of it..
Fast forward to today. Same friends invited us to the lake for another cookout. We need to stop doing these things because damn if the toothless wonder, midget and Welfare cases were in attendance! One poor girl was 24, huge as a house with the mortgage pregnant for the third time and out of work sponging on Welfare. Turns out she was a spawn of the midget! I didn't need THAT visual folks.. So long story even longer, I avoided the midgets creepy eye contact, stayed close to Bing with full signals in effect and got the hell out of there ASAP.
Disturbingly Tragical.

In between disturbing midget, a group of Amish folks rolled up. No, I am not making this up folks.. Full Amish little house on the prairie get ups with bonnets and smiles basking in Gods natural wonders. I was wondering if the ice cream truck freaked them out with the motor and all until they piled into a VAN and drove off. I'm confused and it has been a long day..

I still hate the government.

Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away! Take my hand as we step into yesterday.. Can you tell me how to get to get to Sesame Street?.. BINGO!

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever rode a bike in an elevator.

"I Killz This Blog!"

I've never been a fan of Dr. Phil. Maybe it is the Oprah spin off thing or something but he is a negatory. That whole shame people into crying for ratings thing is basically the same Springer with a little less beads and a little more shine.
So I was making coffee tonight and 'ole Phil was introducing the next lunatics.. A man and woman in early thirties, kinda white bread and mayonnaise-ish and by all appearances half ass normal. Here is where the show starts kids.. They have been engaged for six years but somewhere along the way she got knocked up. He became possessive when she wouldn't move in. She felt like he couldn't commit. He decided to run her and the kid over with the car. Now why this situation isn't more suited for the COPS audience I don't know. I don't need to spend an hour of my life on these people because it's simple really. Lady, check the hell out. Dude, grow up. Kid, wait 20 years and go on Maury because he IS your father!

The tainted muffins were back tonight. No real developments but details will follow as they progress. I am elated however to know that muffins are safe to eat once again.

I hate the Government.
We need another tea party.

I've been thinking again about the vacation that I need and that perhaps my expectations were too high.. I sat in a parking lot to soak some sun and eat a Pina Colada sno cone but it really didn't work for me. Tragical.

Well hell, it's Memorial Day weekend.. I was wondering why all the chips were gone at the store. Another mystery of life unlocked.. Yall have a safe holiday and think of our soldiers and veterans as you eat those burgers. We owe them our lives no matter which side of this thing we are on.

You might be a redneck if:
Your credit report is stained with blood.

Muffins! Again!

Of course the damn muffins are back on the news tonight. "Breaking news tonight on the tainted muffins, we have Chopper 5 live on the scene.." Ok, so the latest is that two high school kids have confessed, posted bond and are facing twenty years for this horrible offense. I had my share of high school pranks (and probably should have gotten jail time too) but this is a muffin thang?? Twenty years?? Waste of my oxygen. Get off my TV.

I had a long day today folks. Three total hours of driving. I hate the Government.

I had lunch with Daddy today. Nothing special, just him bitching about his Government job over a plate of chicken livers. (Do you see the Government pattern here??)

Never give a 15 pound cat a bath. Negative.

You might live in a trailer park if:
You've ever spooned with your girl at a carp pond.

Goin Places That I've Never Been....

Everybody say hayyyyy to VON! Von flew in and we had the chance to meet for dinner tonight. A mental note if you're ever visiting the area: Avoid Dallas. period.
So dear Von was staying in the 'burbs about an hour away and a little out of my western neck of the woods but I had Mapquest, right? Wrong. I headed into unknown territory and here's where the helpful Dallas hint comes in.. I missed my exit and wound up on some idiotic stretch of crap going into Dallas. It was height of rush hour and I was seeing roads that I have only heard about on traffic reports. After stopping for directions (twice) in a "questionable" area , I found another stretch of idiotic crap right thru downtown. Yes, fancy buildings and all.. So two and a half hours later I arrived to a smiling and starving Von.

We had a wonderful time catching up over dinner and it was nice to see my Yankee pal. Von, I have missed you so much and ty for the invite.

It was then time to get home and I prayed for the second time in two days. Tragic.. I took my (un)trusty Mapquest straight home and damn if the exit wasnt two down from my earlier mistake. Tragical again. But in the end and 164 miles later, she was worth every one. Come back soon Pal :)

American Idol: Obviously I missed it while touring the Metroplex tonight but by all accounts Taylor won. Granted I havent watched many seasons but didnt the Clay/ Ruben showcase showdown go on a few weeks? I thought so but maybe not.. Back to Taylor, everyone has a gimmick and I guess the white boy had enough soul?

I'm thinking again about going back to school. Maybe when I get some of this other shit out of the way.. I have the ever growing list of clientele and it is still a dream that I entertain..

Oh, I keep forgetting to add my favorite game that I play on Yahoo. It's a solitaire game and it is easier than it looks. Try it out!
http://games.yahoo.com/games/downloads/sa.html

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your front two teeth swivel like a saloon door.

Nifty Nine!

Well it's time for our Tuesday Three.. I have decided to rename this feature the "Nifty Nine" but for some reason its not allowed. I'm bucking the system folks.

List three of your favorite comfort foods:
1) Txn BBQ Brisket
2) Mac and cheese
3) Chicken & Dumplins

List three celebrities you think are probably good people:
1) Tom Hanks
2) Shout out to Rosie & Kelly
3) Celebrities are a Racket

If you could whisper three things in the president's ear and you knew he'd seriously consider what you said, what would they be:
..... only three????.....
1) I'm tired of being a second class citizen
2) Pull out of Iraq you dumbass
3) You make my skin crawl and the Dixie Chicks were sooo right.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your kids names were chosen at random from hot rod magazines.

And at the Top of the hour.. Muffins!

Muffins. Yes, I said muffins..
Let me tell you about the big muffin scandal around these parts lately. The news broke last week of some school's teachers and employees who ate tainted muffins. No, you dont understand. This was breaking news muffins. Top of the hour muffins. Newspaper and radio show muffins.. I mean muffin insanity folks. The friggin FBI got in on it which I suppose isnt anything these days but cmon. They ruled out anthrax and day by day we got the new muffin report. So today being the day of muffin destiny, it seems the horrible source of muffin taintage was.. pot! .. Can you imagine someone having the audacity to make pot muffins?? I mean whats next? Pot brownies?? Enough with the friggin muffins people!! SHUT UP.

Back to those nifty scanner toys at the grocery store a few entries back.. We went today and I grabbed my nifty scanner gun. BEEP! BEEP! Do you wish to delete, Y or N? BEEP! .. Well we beep'd everything possible and headed to check out. (Why I punish myself with self check out I will never know).. I've used them before but they piss me off at times, especially when the old, decrepit woman is standing over me yelling for moving the bags around. Such an effort for her to swipe her little management card but anyway.. It turns out after her seven minute lecture that the scanner gun is more than a calculator. You just scan everything, aim the gun at the register and holy shit, you dont have to ring anything up!

Thats about all I can think of.. Soapy Papoose signing off.

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your child's first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

Can I have this dance.. For the Rest of my Life...

Weddings.. Oh, how I hate weddings..
I avoid these things at all cost. Everybody gets gussied up and flies in from everywhere, knowing half of them dont get along or have died off but nonetheless it's a celebration.. We all piled in the car and off to the little white chapel. Weddings are a crock folks. Creepy photographer lurkin around for that perfect shot and all the formalities of who sits where and what candles get lit when. Tragic.

In keeping with happiness, it was a nice shindig. They had 10-12 people on each side and somebody wranglin in the little ones. Short version, they said their agreements, slammed some rings and locked a kiss.. Onto the reception. Got the grub on the purdy plates (only in Texas do you find quesidillas..) and onto the fancy glasses of iced tea. Given my knack for clumsiness, I looked around for a sippy cup but no dice. There were no drunken idiots which was a plus because I prefer to make fun of ignorant sober people. The standard wedding tunes were in effect and poor Dusty was still wishin and hopin.. Mom had already pegged the standard nifty wedding song in the title above and three times that one played as we edged closer to a kareoke moment.. But all in all, it was a nice affair outside with lights and lack of the chicken dance..
Great job Brad and Erin, it's hard work from here on out.

.. Moving on, outside the park Daddy is still workin on the homestead. He has one side of the house sided purdy and talking of painting the wood on the other three. (Yes, he did finally get that open side finished after four months and is looking forward to installing the central air unit that he ripped off after Winn-Dixie closed.) Perhaps I'll scan pictures of the homestead and make a headshaking redneck experience for all.

Lets see what is in the news.. They have started diggin for Jimmy over in Michigan again. It's been a good 30 years now folks. Let the poor man be wherever he wound up because it's a JFK thing and we're never going to know. Hmm, Ray Nagin got re-elected in New Orleans. I dont live there so not much I can say. Oh Divinci Code came close to scraping Titanic on profits this weekend.. There is something about Britney Spears going on. That woman needs therapy because her teeny bopper shit isnt going to get her much further.. I watched the 60 minutes retrospective on Mike Wallace tonight and folks, he is a great man. Antagonizing his interview subjects until they explode for all to see.. I havent heard anything about Katie and whack job Tom, guess I'll wait until he jumps on another couch before the wedding.. President Chaney hasnt shot anyone that I know of but Mary's little bullshit interview was a waste of my oxygen..

Little Debbie is a racket. Those brownies you know damn well are marked up and dont last too long. Hey, can I get an Enron investigation on that?

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

Remove Item? Y or N? Confirm ...

American Idol. Another fine example of the shit America is preoccupied with. I like the premise of the show in the fact that it gives people a chance for exposure but maybe due to Chris' departure, I'm tired of the hype. Straight up, now tell me why is Paula Abdul out from under her rock? And why is Randy obsessed with this dawg pound thing? I kinda dig Simon's cruel certainty though..

Rant: I tried to pay a couple of bills this morning but did not have the website logins. No problem, I'll just call... It takes an act of congress to pay a bill kids. An account number and form of payment used to be sufficient but oh no, today you need social security numbers, passwords, secret codes and shoe sizes.. I informed Joy (conspicuous name?) that I had the account number and check but no social security number, suddenly I was unauthorized to make a payment. This is taking place at 6am folks.. Next comes the lecture of what is due and for how much and when. "Joy" is now becoming a pain in my ass.. 15 minutes and two people later I pay the freakin bill.. tragic.

Glutton for punishment, I went to the grocery store. They have this little wall display with nifty scanning guns just like the checkout lines. I had to play with this!! Swiped my little card, unlocked the gun and headed on over to assault the produce. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Man, that was a blast.. I honestly have no idea why I came out $22 ahead of what it said, but yall gotta try this.

We hit 99 degrees here at the park today.. I'm lovin it.

You might live in a trailer park if:
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

HOT POCKET!

That new Hot Pocket biscuit commercial scares the piss out of me.Have you seen the little biscuit jumpin in the microwave with mr. bacon and egg? The poor little cheese slice man is bringin up the rear when they almost slam the door on him. I guess it's ok because egg, bacon and biscuit get theirs in the end..

Our Tuesday Three -
List three things you do that tend to irritate those around you:
1) Obsessively cleaning and moving items
2) Tapping my brakes thru stop signs
3) TAHTS!

List three things those around you tend to do that irritates you:
1) See past blog entries
2) See past blog entries
3) See past blog entries

If you could ask one question each to any three people, living or dead, who would the three people be and what question would you ask each one? Assume the answer would be 100% true.
1) Dear God, Who killed JFK and where is Jimmy Hoffa?
2) Dear Grandma, Have they got Dr. Pepper and smokes up there?
3) Dear Ed McMahan, Where the hell is my money??

You might live in a trailer park if:
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

Random Ramblings

It's almost Mother's Day dear readers.. I'm not a fan of holidays with the overblown Hallmark bullshit but take a moment and make a call to your Mom. Life is too short.

So I had this dream tonight about Carnies. You know, scuzzy lil carnival workers with 3 legs or a 4th eye.. The tilt-a-wirl guy was trying to tilt my whirl and it was disturbing folks. I went to pop balloons with darts instead..

We lost our Dish Network for a while. See, we were on one of those "special plans" but the card blew and we're SOL.. The welfare TV sucks down here and 3 channels arent that entertaining. Oh, the trials of life.

I need a vacation. Nothing extravagant. Maybe a little sun on a beach and unlimited tropical drinks in a coconut.. with the paper umbrella. That my friends is the Margaritaville touch! Exotic foods besides the latest introduction at Taco Bell. Key West, Cape Cod, or some secret Mexican island hideaway..
But until then I'll just keep looking for the latest amusement out on the trailer porch.

I hate mortgage companies. See my house has been on the market for a while and most of you know the story. I've had a great offer for over a month but the Mortgage company is less than cooperative. All I need is an ok and its a done deal. Do you see a problem here? Negative..

Ok, this is Soapy Papoose signing off. (Smile to Megan. I miss you)

You might live in a trailer park if:
Your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

A New Park Feature!

Always eager to enhance the park, we have a new feature here called Tuesday Three.. This first week I'll add two of them.
Add your own answers on the comment page!

List three "simple things" that make you really happy:
1) My boys leading the AL East
2) Seeing Von soon
3) Being a Texan again

List three things that make you really sad:
1) Losing someone
2) Gas prices
3) Not working

If you could go back in time and tell the 12 year-old you three things, they would be:
1) Respect those you love more, you dont know how long you have
2) Chrissie Hynde really isnt THAT hott
3) Theres gonna be this really cool thing called an internet

List three things you learned from your mother:
1) She will come back if you sit in a grocery store long enough
2) Never feed a horse alone
3) When in doubt, put a garbage bag over the window

List three things you'd like to do before you die:
1) See a game in every ballpark then tour Cooperstown
2) Skydive/ bridge jump again
3) Ambition is overrated

List three people who have helped influence who you are today:
There are too many to list but special shoutout to GRANDMA!


You might live in a trailer park if:
You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.